Jail Bait
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Rating: 2.1/5 (3 votes cast)

Jail Bait

A successful family man has an affair with underage girl, he tries to end it, she threatens to out him and he risk all to save his life and finds more of her older male victims.

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    1. ebabe says
      November 1, 2015, 3:57 pm
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      No thanks.

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    2. Profile photo of MarsAlien
      MarsAlien says
      August 13, 2015, 5:24 am
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      Story Potential
      Hook

      Had to read it 4 times to understand. There seems to be something here, but the logline structure is terrible. Also, you’ve got typos.

      I think the problem is you don’t know how a logline should be structured, and that killed it for me. Learn and then practice till you get the hang of it.

      As for the premise, I couldn’t help but wish you had something more… more. I think the hook could be more original and unexpected. The beginning was interesting. It’s fine. But then it went to a place we’ve seen a thousand times. I’d go with a different angle, personally.

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    3. July 7, 2015, 3:09 pm
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      The logline’s promising. Keep it up!

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