22 Comments
Leave A ReplyLeave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.
ScreenplayFest Philadelphia | Human Con
Join Our Mailing List
Recent Comments
ScreenplayFest Scripts
Actionable Secrets of the Past
Why would the CIA be interested in something buried in a Connecticut meadow for two centuries? Unlikely friends set out for t...
You May Like
Restitution
In a dystopian future, a man wrongly imprisoned for murder for decades is proven innocent, but is told the state cannot compe...
I Love You, I Kill You
After years of incestual ritualistic abuse, the daughter of one occult patriarch finds herself a well designed pawn in her br...
Latest Posts
You Were Once Called Queen City… ScreenplayFest Winner 2008
Filming has been announced! Visit David Ebeltoft’s IMDB page HERE Visit his film’s page HERE Visit his screenwrit...
Top 15 Consultant Danny Manus Teleseminar with Director Clare Kilner!
Ever thought about Directing? Want to know if your script could attract a Hollywood Director & major talent? Shooting a ...
This has potential. It is a little confusing at first glance but so is the matrix! I think this has tremendous potentia! Keep up the good work!
I’m kind of confused, but somehow I’m seriously in love with this idea!!! Keep me posted on when a script will be available if possible!
The first sentence feels more like a tagline, but its a pretty good one. The rest of it is a bit vague, especially in relation to the antagonist.
The logline doesn’t tell us much…it reads like a tagline designed to tease us to watch the movie or read the script. Give us the character and what he’s up against to make us read it.
The story has great potential, but your logline does not help it at all. First, it comes across as distinctly amateurish. No professional screenwriter would begin with a philosophical statement, “Everyone tricks someone, but something tricked everyone.” Cut that sentence completely and you are off to a good start.
“The end of the rest of us” is anti-climactic.
But the middle part is really good. Just leave out the beginning and tighten the end and you will be well on your way to a winner.
I do not get it!
I like the premise, but I don’t the logline is very well crafted. It’s too wordy and contains a little too much information than we need. I’d pare it down some.
I like this idea. You could have fun with this one. Story potential is excellent, so hopefully there’s a creative script to back this one up!
The hook is good and I like the story line but you seemed to have ended the story before it began. Leave that part a mystery.
Lot of potential here, but this logline is very confusing. Why would broadcasting the cure end the rest of us? Is the hacker the one that created the virus? What is a digital virus anyway, and how can the cure be broadcast? I do feel the setting and the over all vibe of it though and the story has a lot of potential.
Overall this could be good. The very short version suggested is much better.
Your original shorten version is the way to go, but with re-writing. E.g. Where a digital virus has been fatally released upon millions, a hacker comes to the rescue of the world by extinguishing the rogue corporate enemy.
Here is a revised logline. I would love some feedback.
Human Con :
In a world where a digital virus has entered the human body, and millions are killed, the choice is to either unplug, or allow the FI corporation into a new position of power. A hacker must save his infected brother, by broadcasting a possible cure, illegally. But everyone, including Fi and the hacker, is playing out a trap set by something far more diabolical.
Too long. You don’t need to articulate the mechanics and plot – just the principal struggle.
“In a world where a digital virus has entered the human body, a hacker races against time to find a cure.”
Wow. Really? That’s almost too easy. “In a world where a digital virus has entered the human body, a hacker races against time to find a cure.” Does that have a strong enough unique hook? That may be a premise question actually.
Take a look at some logline examples and see how economy is key….they all sell the story and the principal conflict. Loglines are difficult to write because as writers we feel we need to ensure any possible reader gets the complexity and detail of our story. The job of the logline is to wet the appetite, that’s all.
When a man goes for virtual vacation memories of the planet Mars, an unexpected and harrowing series of events forces him to go to the planet for real. (Total Recall)
New York cop John McClane gives terrorists a dose of their own medicine as they hold hostages in an LA office building. (Die Hard)
A man is picked up by a fishing boat, bullet-riddled and without memory, then races to elude assassins and recover from amnesia. (The Bourne Identity)
After Skynet has destroyed much of humanity in a nuclear holocaust, a group of survivors led by John Connor struggles to keep the machines from finishing the job. (Terminator Salvation)
You kind of rock dude.
I think the advice you’ve been given here is sound. The back end of your logline pulls the rug from your basic premise making it difficult to get on the story. Sounds like it could be a trip. WP
You basic story is clear, a digital virus has killed millions, but I think you’re last line is unclear. How does broadcasting the cure mean further killing? Also, you might think of what exactly the drama is instead of basically seemingly just saying another virus kills millions more. And if that’s not what you meant to say, you need to rework it.
Thanks for the great feedback!
The concept is good and a great set up for a intriguing story. I have to agree with Paul about the first sentence. Re-write it to conflate with the logline body.
Good job Benj
I would leave out the first sentence – it is more likely to be used as a tagline and not part of the logline. The logline is effective and tells us about the story and what the protagonist is trying to achieve. It is interesting that he doesn’t realize saving his brother might doom the rest of us. Intriguing.