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Rating: 3.4/5 (3 votes cast)

Hiding In Plain Sight

Ten years after graduation, a hardworking family man has to face the consequences of an irresponsible pact he made in college, one which has resulted in a string of assassinations. Not honoring that pact could cost him his career, his family and his own life.

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  1. amog9099 says
    July 12, 2016, 11:40 am

    I like character detail in your script.. Concept is awesome.

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  2. roknsrf says
    March 31, 2015, 5:34 am
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    First of all, congratulations on making it into the finals. I liked the concept of this script, and at times I thought the story showed promise. Unfortunately, problems with the timeline, lack of believability in the storyline, lack of any meaningful depth in the characters, dialogue that was completely devoid of originality, and an ending that literally made no sense whatsoever, left me wondering how such a promising beginning turned out so disappointing. Moreover, the whole script is littered with proofreading, and formatting errors. Strangely, as many things that are wrong with this script, I completely disagree with “a-dominick” who suggested that your action sequences and dialogue was too long, the fact is those are some of the few areas that were just fine. As a matter a fact, it was your description and action lines that were the positive part of this work, and I don’t think you said anything in your action lines that could not be seen or heard, which is something to feel good about. To improve this story, remove the timeline errors, example, Gary says he was mugged this morning in a scene that happens 2 days after he was mugged. Next, if you want any of the scenes to be believable after grandma takes Katelynn, your going to have to come up with a better reason why he lost his house and all his money, because no one would every settle out of court for everything thing they owned, EVER! A civil lawsuit takes 2 years at least, and no lawyer can up and have your credit cards cancelled. That makes every scene after that just as unbelievable because you’ve forced your audience to suspend disbelief to buy into a premise supposedly based in reality. In an action drama of this genre, 120 pages is completely acceptable, so take the time to develop these characters, give us some background so we can buy into their actions and motives. Almost, every character sounds the same when speaking, give them all individual voices, and make the dialogue stand out. Anyone with a story can write a screenplay, but can you make people remember what was said? Read, V for Vendetta, or She, or Birdman, or Casablanca, or better yet, read all of them. If that doesn’t inspire you to right some meaningful dialogue, nothing will. Of what significance is it to have Hewitt be one of the tattooed guys, and why is their name the Crimson Guard only used once in the whole script? If you want to end the script suspensefully, try Gary and Katelynn traveling far away somewhere, settling into life without Trisha, getting established somewhere new, and then have a new friend or associate have the tattoo. That way the audience has had time to settled down and start to feel like everything is going to be okay, and just like that their unsettled again, then SMASH CUT TO: BLACK. See, now their looking for the sequel as their walking out of the theatre. As for the housekeeping issues , I recommend reading every line out loud, you can hear the proofreading errors and see them better in order to remove them. As to the formatting errors, go to the website “screenwriting.info” it is free and will teach you everything you are doing wrong. Nevertheless, I think you have the right concept for a great screenplay, you just need to tell the whole story (not just parts of it) in a way that has everyone wanting to make it into a movie. Good Luck

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    • Brian@TE says
      March 31, 2015, 4:24 pm

      Thanks for the review. We’re actually several drafts from that version and coincidentally we are doing a table read in two weeks. I don’t know what you mean by ‘finalist’? Hard to believe we would advance with 3.4 out 5 stars. We posted it here for the feedback because we know here it is done with no agenda other than wanting to help. We appreciate the feed back and will take it all into consideration as we move forward.

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      • roknsrf says
        April 1, 2015, 2:34 am

        You are in the finals so best get used to it.

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        • roknsrf says
          April 1, 2015, 2:55 am

          As I said, this script has a good concept for a movie reminiscent of “The Firm” it does not surprise me that it’s been picked up. Again congratulations.

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    a-dominick says
    September 14, 2014, 8:43 pm
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    An asasination pact is an intriguing concept indeed, and this script holds its pieces together well & with suspense. Well-developed male characterization and several great actor showcases. Formatting note: readers/suits tend to like white space, so generally 4 lines of action (no more) is preferred. Same goes with huge chunks of dialogue (about a thumb’s thickness is recommended) unless a character is doing a monologue.

    Nitpicky note: several characters are all exactly 30 — it sounds a bit repetitive & won’t harm/sway things if you can change a couple to 31/32/33 so it doesn’t read as repetitive :) Potential to be a crackin’ yarn otherwise after some tightening. Nice work!

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    • Brian@TE says
      September 14, 2014, 10:28 pm

      Thanks a-dominick for the review and notes. Glynis and I will keep them in mind going into the next re-write. Thanks for reading our story!

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  4. jtphoto says
    August 25, 2014, 12:23 pm
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    i liked the story, it moved fast and the scenes were quick. Especially in the beginning there was action and with it, wanting to know the out come. I would have liked not to have seen what was required out of calvin so early, but built up to a scene that required him to fulfill his deed. It’s also kind of hard with no page count to get a rhythm. And at the end to have the word (i don’t want to spoil this story for anyone), maybe seen from a reflection in the mirror. Good job!

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    • Brian@TE says
      August 31, 2014, 10:31 am

      Thanks JTPhoto for the review. Glynis and I appreciate the time you took to read it. As we go into re-writes we will keep your thoughts in mind.

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