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How does it define them both? Give a little more info but this is very interesting. I see tremendous potential.
I can almost hear the deep, gravelly-voiced trailer voice-over from the 80s reading these sentences.
“Fights back” by doing what? And what is the thing that defines them? You’re attempting to make this sound clever, and it comes across completely unclear. WP
Very good. I like it. But you should do away with the second sentence. It is not needed.
I think the log line starts off fine, and falls flat with the addition of a second sentence.
Have to agree with those before me. It’s nicely written but i feel that the hook is where’s she been and not where she’s going.
Just add a tid bit of what her actions were and this will totally shine. I must say though that i give this logline a GREAT review. I love the premise. Super job!
Great story idea and I like how specific your logline is about her goal in fighting back, but I’m not sure what the relationship has to do with her goal. Just a little clarification might help.
I like the premise of the story. Nice logline. Of course it could be rewritten a hundred different ways, but I thought that you did a fine job Natasha. Well done.
Nice logline – move the comma – and if at all possible hint to the outcome. (good/bad)
A teenage girl snaps and lashes out at her abusive family, landing her in a psych ward where she becomes involved with an intern who…
I think the “defines them both” can be better explained without revealing too much. Otherwise, it means nothing and therefore a hook is not present.
Sounds decent, but I’m more curious about what she done than what will happen to her and the intern.
nicely written… however one minor error, your verb is out of place, corrective speech, ” that in time will define them both” your verb is “will” a course of action from a noun which is time therafter “will” doing such removes your comma that is leading into a fragment and not a complete thought…