Second Lunch
Attractive, spinster, junior high English teacher suspects the new counselor of being her long-dead college boyfriend. His a...
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I was assigned this script to review by admin and it really isn’t the type of thing I enjoy. I wouldn’t have gone to see this at the theater, so I feel kind of bad reviewing it. But, I have to agree with most of the other reviews. It is a tough script to wade through. I also couldn’t really form a relationship with the characters. I’m also female and agree that it really is more of a male story. And it does seem to be so similar to a lot of the other stuff that’s out there right now. Maybe try to find a new twist to through in with that worn out immature boy comedy.
Your attention to structural details is spot on and you have a good backbone for a film. However, I found the story to be a little unoriginal. I feel like I’ve seen this before. As a woman, I also felt like this film was written exclusively for men to enjoy, which in my opinion means you’d have to work a bit harder to attract women to it in order to increase your audience base. Also, there weren’t enough intros or clues into the personalities of your characters, so I wasn’t sure who they were outside of their appearances. Your second reviewer is correct in saying there wasn’t enough subtext. There needs to be more left up to the reader to interpret. I believe it’s difficult to write comedy but this is a good start. Perhaps spend more time developing your characters and turning points in order to have a sturdier frame for your comedy to ride on.
Pigging back on what ssabatino’s review mentions, this script was all over the place. Most of your dialog is “on the nose.” No subtext. No motivations. Truthfully, I found this script to be very difficult to get through. I love heavy dialog scripts, so I don’t always agree with “show, don’t tell,” but I felt the writer did neither. The writer had a collection of scenes, which they might have felt were cool, but does not make an entire story interesting. The Kevin Smith style of “dick and fart” jokes are funny, but it has to be in the background of interesting characters and real motivations. I believe writing is rewriting, so you have a chance to make this story great, but as it stands now it’s just below Malibu’s Most Wanted.
I couldn’t get past page 13. The story started out PG and by page 12, it was porn! There’s a rule in screenwriting: by page 10, your conflict and story line is clearly defined. I did not know, nor did I care to find out at that point, where this story was going. I disliked all the characters. I find the basic concept of “grazing” trite. You need a fresh angle.
There were so many grammatical errors that it was painful to read. Furthermore, the “action” paragraphs of a script are for the purpose of explanation to support the plot. Do not use slang terms and street lingo here. Save that for the dialogue. Show, don’t tell – another basic rule.