Golden Lonestar Sunshine More Images
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Golden Lonestar Sunshine

Finally, making peace will be more profitable than making war. That’s what the civilizations from the Mizar star system have promised – provided their shocking arrival doesn’t tear the world to pieces first.

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  1. Profile photo of leeoconnor
    leeoconnor says
    September 7, 2014, 9:32 am
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    I like the concept here. I have nothing against dialogue being too much but your scene settings are too much. For example this is the first scene.

    INT. BATHROOM — DAY

    A YOUNG GIRL slams open a stall door, pauses – then burps:

    YOUNG GIRL
    Shit!

    Naturally beautiful, her hair catching the midday rays through
    the foggy bathroom window, falls towards a closest toilet –
    and throws up. Luckily, she is alone in the bathroom as the
    quickly ensuing tears reveals she is hiding more than just
    an upset stomach.

    Your slug is fine but just too simplify just do this:

    INT. BATHROOM — DAY

    A young girl JACKIE slams open a stall door, pauses – then burps:

    JACKIE
    Shit!

    Her hair catches the midday rays through the foggy bathroom window as she falls towards the closest toilet throwing up.
    Her ensuing tears reveals she is hiding more than just an upset stomach.

    I could go on but you get the idea, Just simplify it, it’s a script not a novel.

    Hope this helps

    Lee

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  2. September 2, 2014, 7:25 am

    Too phylosophical. Try to compose more action, more plot.

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