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Rating: 4.2/5 (2 votes cast)

Glow

Jennifer lives with her father in a small coal-mining community surrounded by looming mountains. When the discovery of an old lamp releases a dormant entity, Jennifer is suddenly thrust into a dark and haunting mystery, which she must unravel to finally lay the lost spirit to rest.

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  1. roknsrf says
    March 28, 2015, 3:40 am
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    First of all, congratulations on advancing to the finals. What a beautifully haunting tale you have here. I was so moved by Jennifer’s journey which was sometimes tragically sad, sometimes eerily erotic, but ultimately wholly redemptive. Not only for herself, Lisa, and Bobby, but also for her father and the rest of the town. I felt I was there in this small Welsh mining town, a voyeur following close behind down every alley and through every doorway. I was mystified by Jennifer’s transformation, yet never forced to suspend disbelief. It was as if I were at times Ryan and at other times Pete, desperately loving, desperately loosing, and finally desperately relieved and hopeful. Overall, a magnificent experience. Bravo! However, in fairness to the other scripts I have reviewed, I’m obligated to point out the proofreading opportunities which abound in your script, as well as the plethora of deviations from acceptable industry standard formatting (hence the 3 stars for grammar). Nevertheless, this was an inspiring example of magisterial screenwriting. Good luck to you, and I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.

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      Hydrofilm says
      March 28, 2015, 11:56 am

      Thank you so much, you are most kind. I wrote this with a TV/film producer who helped me to shape the screenplay using Final Draft. My long-time co-writer also came onboard as he is a man who saw the demise of the mining industry in the Welsh valleys. My friends and I are interested to understand what you mean by your comment about Grammar and formatting as Glow was written using Final Draft which, is of course a writing programme. Also, David is interested in what you term as “deviations”?

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      • roknsrf says
        March 29, 2015, 2:25 am

        As far as it goes, grammar on this scorecard is used as a catch all for spelling, missing words, grammar, formatting etc. so if anyone of these areas suffer you tend to get it marked off here. I notice by your phone number your not in Hollyweird, and I’m not exactly sure if things are different elsewhere, but spec scripts here are regulated by the Screenwriter’s Guild and their “guidelines” recommend that among other things, all title page font should be the same size as the script, the title itself in all caps, the rest of the title page should be double spaced, copyright bottom left, address, phone, and email on bottom right. Scene numbers are added on the shooting script, and shouldn’t appear on a spec script. A page number should appear in the top right header, so one half inch from the top of the page where the top border is one inch, starting with the number 2 on page 2 of the script body. Your scene headings need a dash not commas. For example: “INT. Jennifer’s House – Day.” Other errors include, back to back character heading and dialogue lines without anything in between. If you want to indicate a pause or other space of time between the same character’s dialogue you can use an ellipsis, beat, or parenthetical. You have numerous transition and shot indicators that are either worded wrong, indicated wrong, or missing all together, For example, close in shots should be worded: “CLOSE ON” all caps. Flashbacks that start with a scene heading are indicated after time of day, for example: “INT. PIT – DAY – FLASHBACK.” At the end of each flashback, “END FLASHBACK” should appear a double space below the last line in the last scene of the flashback on the left margin. Character’s names should only be in all caps the FIRST time they appear in either a description or action line. Of course, they always appear in all caps when speaking (character line). A few times you errantly have whole action lines in all caps as if they were sluglines. So, for example in scene 14 you show the slugline “IN CLOSE UP WE SEE THE FRAMED PHOTOGRAPH IN THE WINDOW.” When it should read as an action line written: “CLOSE ON of FRAMED PHOTOGRAPH in the window.” Now this example highlights 3 common errors within your script. 1) the use of improper shot indication within an action line, 2) the correct capitalization of props introduced for the first time (which is also true for sounds heard or made), and 3) the difference between a slugline camera direction which would be all capitalized and a shot indication within an action line (subtle for sure, but it’s important to know the difference). You might see the scene continuation indicators on mine and other’s scripts, but that is an optional thing. However, if you choose to use them they should be correctly done. Which is “(CONTINUED)” in the bottom right border on the out going page, and “CONTINUE:” on the upper left header of the incoming page. When no time of day is indicated in a scene heading it means the scene is CONTINUOUS. In scene 12 you show no time of day, but the scene is not a continuation of the previous scene, this type of mistake appears in many of your flashback scenes in particular. Many times(CON’D) appears next to your character line as it should, but then also under it on the parenthetical line. and not always capitalized. However, these seem more like proofreading errors than deliberate formatting errors. These are the majority of the formatting problems, but not all so you will have to give it a thorough going over. Lastly, this script may be an example the difficulty one can have when working with someone who is use to dealing with shooting scripts, like a producer, or director. However, most producers, and production company script readers will discard a spec script if they feel it has too many formatting errors, or when they feel a spec writer is infringing on the director or shooting script writer’s territory. Whenever reviewing a script indicating multiple camera direction sluglines, production readers tend to error on the conservative side especially if they think their boss will yell at them for passing on a script the boss would’ve rejected for such industry faux pas. Knowing how to get the shot you envision without stepping on some pretentious pricks toes is a fine art in this game so I’m told. I use Celtx and it does most of the work for me, no other program is simpler to learn or use. Nevertheless, the ALL TIME best “how to website” utilizing Final Draft as it’s format of choice is “screenwriter.info” This site will teach you everything you could ever want to know in a very easy to use structure. So dig in and you should be able to clean this thing up in no time.

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        • roknsrf says
          March 29, 2015, 3:28 pm

          A little proofreading of my own here, 1) I wrote “title in all caps” but that is not entirely correct. One word titles are generally in all caps, but multi-word titles normally follow the same rule as book titles, however, it is still acceptable to use all caps even on multi-word titles if so desired. 2) As to page numbers, I failed to show the period after the number, but most screenwriting programs will add it automatically. 3) Concerning my scene heading advice “dash not commas,” my example should be: “INT. JENNIFER’S HOUSE – DAY” in all caps, but again most screenwriting programs will capitalize scene headings automatically. 4) I failed to finish the word: “CONTINUED:” when explaining scene continuation indicators and their page position. As you can see, the D is missing above in my example. And so it goes for a screenwriter…always editing. Of course, I wouldn’t blame you if considered me to be “a daft bastard” as it were, but believe it or not, I’m not nearly as “anal” as it may appear.

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            Hydrofilm says
            March 30, 2015, 11:25 am

            I’m a new writer from Wales in the UK. I have been writing for a while but only short films and I have won awards from small festivals run by people with a keen interest in film. Within my film training there was a short module that dealt with writing but the points you have raised were never really mentioned. I have also had the script read by industry folks over here and some have raised different points. Having had no real training in screenwriting I find your comments more than valuable as they will indeed shape my future work. My spelling is bad but both me and David Marlow have been through the document with a spell checker. As for things like Scene headings and continuing action, I am learning through people such as yourself, so as I say, this is all about me growing as a writer. My next step is to attend the London Screenwriting Festival in October where I hope to learn from industry standard writers about how to further my talent. Thanks again.

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          • roknsrf says
            March 30, 2015, 3:28 pm

            Just remember screenwriter.info on the web. It covers everything.

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          Hydrofilm says
          March 31, 2015, 12:48 pm

          I have spoken to some people about your feedback. David Marlow says these comments would seem to relate to the Hollywood writing system which, as you say has strict guidelines for sending in scripts. It appears that the UK is a little less uptight when it comes to these rules. We will however keep these points in mind should we go State side when it comes to finance and talent. Thanks.

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    Hydrofilm says
    October 31, 2014, 10:41 am

    Thank you for taking time out to read and leave comments.

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  3. toojazzy says
    October 30, 2014, 9:26 pm
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    nice, I loved the beginning…it flowed smoothing from chapter to chapter.

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