Fraternal Brotherhood
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Rating: 4.2/5 (9 votes cast)

Fraternal Brotherhood

When a young teen joins a high school fraternity to raise his social stature he gets more than he bargains for trapped in vicious hazing rituals and brutal street warfare with rival fraternities.

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  1. fgross2006 says
    March 13, 2015, 6:46 pm

    Thanks Roknsrf

    I appreciate your honesty and the write up you have me is awesome. I have actually done a complete re write of this screenplay. I inquired about re posting here for the next contest but got no reply from the admins. I have entered into 2 other contests and will probably go into a 3rd by the end of the month.

    Id still like to post here if the admin will get back to me about the next contest and the cost and deadline etc.

    Much of what you said has been incorporated into my new draft, but it is about 90% redone and different from the first draft.

    If you’d like to read my updated draft hit me up in a PM and Ill send it to you.

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  2. roknsrf says
    March 13, 2015, 4:41 pm
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    I thought this was a very good screenplay with tremendous potential. The concept, story structure, and dialogue are strong. However, to get it sold it will need a few changes. Whether or not it follows a true story, there are certain facts the writer will have to let go of in order to make the protagonist likeable and allow a wider audience to root for him. So, here are my suggestions, 1) There was no father shown in Fred’s home and Fred is the oldest son, so if the father is gone think about changing his dialogue with his mother to make him more caring and respectful of her. 2) Either have Fred make it to the toilet to vomit or have his mother much angrier about him leaving it for her to clean up, and have him be much more apologetic when his mother confronts him. 3) Most important, Fred cannot come out of character like he does at the end. This is a guy who was the only one brave and tough enough to make it through pledging out of Jr. High, he had the moxie to french kiss the girl, he is enough of a bad boy to ditch class and get high down by the drainage pipe, he has the smarts enough to know when to pick his fights, he has the will to seek out Spooky and organize all the factions of AOT and yet you have him turn into this little ineffectual bitch at the end. NO WAY DUDE. You lost your whole audience and nobody leaves the theater satisfied. Fred must ride shotgun with Spooky and together they must kick ass at the rumble each watching each other’s back with descriptive fight scenes that go from them besting the Sandoval brothers on to the ultimate showdown with the Aiellos. Forget how long the script is, if you give everyone what they want and finish this thing up the way it should, the production company will decide where to shave this thing and everyone will love it!!!!! 4) Rather than just have Phi members there at the AOT reunion, perhaps you can show Fred meeting up with one of the main Phi antagonists by coincidence and inviting him with the suggestion he brings so and so and so and so, whatever. A solid gesture driving home the metaphor that as men we are forged and hardened as much by the fierceness and strength of our enemies as our own strengths and character. That way when they arrive, it will greatly enhance the closure that the ending scenes are trying to invoke in your audience and render them reflective and ultimately satisfied and at peace knowing that all things are reconciled as they leave the theater, not to mention, giving the final justification for why they like Fred so much. 5) I only suggest because I’m not sure how you would do it, but maybe the beginning credits could show old footage of fraternities past or something because most people across the country associate fraternities with college and are not aware or familiar with high school fraternities. 6) Silvia has to become Fred’s girlfriend, no way around it, his bravado has to payoff. The McDonalds scene is the perfect place to have them to get together as she helps him score everything on the AOT brother’s list and further endearing him to them and the audience. Then as time goes on we see her at the parties with Fred, but as she moves up in the sorority ranks she gets more uppity, and that opens the door for the new girl with the different attitude Diane, however her name needs to change cause you already have Diana. Names are important, just like when you have Bill and Billy. One of them gets a nickname or you have to change one of their names. Nevertheless, Have Diane question the whole fraternity thing earlier in their relationship so it gives you time to have Fred workout his confliction over it so he shows growth as a character. That way when he’s getting ready for the rumble she can confront him and now the metaphor that in the end a man’s got to do what a man’s got to do no matter the consciences or his personal reservations, i.e…. ” who are you really doing this for? You don’t owes those guys anything. It’s stupid and juvenile. Your going to get yourself hurt or maybe killed, for what?”… “Maybe your right, maybe it is juvenile, but I’m sorry babe, I can’t let my brothers down.”… whatever, but I think you get what I’m trying to say. Lastly, you will have to find some moments throughout the script to make the dialogue TOP-NOTCH, those sayings that make movie history because if you make the changes I suggest this will be one of the best scripts of all time, and it’s GOT to have those moments when a character says something no one will ever forget. The “OSCAR” moment because, done right, this is an Oscar caliber story. Good luck.

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  3. Profile photo of joe_screenplayfest.com
    March 11, 2014, 6:14 pm

    Fraternal Brotherhood

    Let’s begin with the concept which is very appealing… the world of the fraternity brother, I think that can appeal to most.

    Regarding Fred’s character, he’s very unlikable… due to the fact that he seems like a wimp. I didn’t like his character in the beginning, but it did grow on me by page 24. Of course, you can draw him in this light to properly show his character arc, but at least make me sympathize or like him more in the beginning, make him more relate-able ultimately.

    Writing-wise you should include more development on Fred in beginning. The script reminds me a little of Dazed And Confused… the drinking scene with John for example.

    I’d like to see Fred’s reaction after the alpha guys just stood up for him to the phi guys in front of the highschool.

    One of the better and more interesting scripts, ie frat life is interesting to those who haven’t experienced it. Makes me wonder how interesting, relate-able, and accurate this script is to those who have experienced it though.

    Look forward to a rewrite/polish.

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    • fgross2006 says
      March 11, 2014, 8:40 pm

      Thanks Joe, I appreciate the helpful feedback. I am currently working on a re write and I may enter in the contest again.

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  4. December 4, 2013, 10:22 pm
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    I enjoyed reading this a lot hope to actually see the film

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    Suzirayve says
    December 3, 2013, 11:16 pm
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    Overall, this screenplay blew me away! I had no idea this is what was going on with Frats! Not a clue. What a novel concept on which to base a screenplay! Original and outstanding. I felt myself living through Fred and Spooky and wondering what was next in their lives. My husband was born and raised in Long Island and he completely got pulled into this as well! I do agree a montage at the end would be amazing. Being a romantic I would also like more development with the Diane character (also to contrast the testosterone). I love the dialogue! Well done.

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    • fgross2006 says
      December 3, 2013, 11:25 pm

      Thank you Suzirayve, I do want to further develop Fred and Diane but as I mentioned earlier Id have to sacrifice a few pages of action as I am maxed out at 120 pages.

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  6. mikeyz says
    November 22, 2013, 9:13 am
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    A very well-written story Fred — thank you for educating me on the disturbing realities of frat life. I’m from a very conservative Toronto suburb where this kind of stuff just doesn’t happen — it never did back in my highschool or College days that’s for sure! I understand the partying but I never realized that rival fraternities could have rumbles of the gang-land warfare variety as well … frightening stuff for sure!

    What you may want to think about is in the development of the Fred character: he takes a lot of shit to get into the Alphas and doesn’t mind it and then eventually gets in — but I don’t see much of an arc for him overall I must say. I was almost expecting some sort of turnaround from him perhaps in maybe realizing that frat life wasn’t for him after all especially in that latter conversation between him and Diane in which she disses the whole frat/sorority hazing life. In the end, I was kind of hoping for something more from him and I feel that I didn’t get much out of his character development as I perhaps could have in light of his compelling plight. Perhaps a bit of a back-story involving his home and family life could be used to maybe explain his obsession with getting in with this wild bunch (that is, other than the legacy connection that is given.)

    Definitely well told though and cleary, as you mention, you can tell you’ve seen this stuff first hand! BTW, I didn’t get the University of Calgary reference in the end …
    Good luck to you in the competition Fred!

    Best,

    Mike.

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    • fgross2006 says
      November 22, 2013, 10:24 am

      Thanks for the review Mike. I will re read and think of how to better develop the Fred character. As I am maxed out at 120 pages it would seem I would have to sacrifice story to add to Fred’s arc.

      About the U of C reference, I chartered a chapter of AOT at the U of C in about 2006. Although they aren’t mentioned in the story at all, I wanted to show them in the closing credits with a montage of photos and home videos splashed over the closing credits to kind of show it lives on in the 21st Century.

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      • mikeyz says
        November 22, 2013, 12:24 pm

        Thanks for the explanation Fred. I really like that idea in using the montage effect at the end to show how it all lives on in the present day. Best of luck to you with this screenplay!

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  7. November 10, 2013, 7:19 pm
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    I thought it was really good and well-written. It reminded me of the ol’ days when they had the Fraternities (gangs) in High School. The dialogue used in the 70’s was true to the script. I actually knew a lot of the characters – who were based on real people from Oceanside.

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    • fgross2006 says
      November 10, 2013, 8:09 pm

      Thanks for reading and reviewing Fraternal Brotherhood Karen. The high school fraternity experience is something that people that didn’t grow up in Nassau County don’t get but Im sure this movie can main stream with the right production and distribution.

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    jerseybob says
    October 30, 2013, 9:53 pm
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    I thought it was well written and very descriptive. I really felt like I was there in the middle of the action. As I read through it though I wasn’t really sure if the main theme was Fred’s struggle or the abuse everyone was forced to endure. Toward the end Fred became less important and Spooky became more of the focus. I wanted there to be more of a cohesive story and less reliance on the violence.

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    • fgross2006 says
      October 31, 2013, 12:18 am

      Thanks for the review Bob. I’m glad you like my story and writing style. As for the main theme, I was trying to show that the high school frat life was almost as bad as urban gangs but the exception being that suburban high school frat members move on after high school and move to the next phase of their lives. While gang bangers end up in prison or the cemetery. Fraternity life was rough and tumble on Long Island in the 70’s but most guys moved on to college, the military, business, families etc. My point was made at the end at the reunion party and all the players all show up as respected professionals.

      I did intentionally shift the spotlight on to Spooky about 3/4 through. There were various quests in this story. Fred’s determination to complete dogging and earn his colors. Then the quest to make it through daily life without the constant threats from the rival fraternity. Then the dire need to locate Spooky to gain his favor and assistance. After completing the tasks Spooky throws at Fred and his Brothers the ending was all about how Spooky stepped in to save all the AOT chapters from being over run. The various AOT chapters needed a General of sorts who had the know how and the ability to organize the disjointed chapters into an effective force to be reckoned with.

      I admit there’s plenty of violence in this screenplay, But I do feel there’s plenty of story structure to link it all together.

      Once again thank you for taking the time to read and review Fraternal Brotherhood.

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  9. aweiss says
    October 29, 2013, 3:32 am
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    Now that I know from your comment that this is based on real life events, it does make the screenplay more real to me. I say this as while I like the plot a lot, I kind of wish more happened in it. Show more of Fred’s home life, and maybe make Diana his girlfriend, show them alone together. The frat scenes are fine, but there are so many characters, I’d just follow a few of them, and reduce the rest. It is hard to flesh out characters, I’m still learning how to do it. But you have a very good foundation here, and the formatting is good as well. And the characters are likeable, even the bad guys. Good ending, but I’d add a scene showing everyone being arrested for a bit more drama. I hope you sell this, as i see what you mean about unique, I didn’t know any of this, and it does shine a light on some forgotten history. Good luck!

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    • fgross2006 says
      October 30, 2013, 11:44 pm

      Thanks for reading and reviewing my screenplay Andrea. Your ideas are great and worth exploring. I was thinking of adding a few more scenes with Fred and his little sister. And I agree there’s room for more development of his relationship with Diane.

      The issue I have as a writer is determining what to cut to make room for more character development. I tried to stick to the 120 page max rule and I’m maxed at 120 pages currently.

      As for your suggestion for an arrest scene at the end, how about something like the end of Goodfellas when all the arrests are made, but in a montage with little or no dialog, intercut between dialog at the 60th anniversary party at the end. Id show paddy wagons and cops stuffing teens in like sardines.

      Anyway thanks again Andrea.

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  10. fgross2006 says
    October 27, 2013, 11:03 am
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    Obviously as the author I’m biased but I do truly feel that my concept is unique. All fraternity movies I have seen usually are college hijinks comedies while Fraternal Brotherhood is more like teens gone wild.

    Since I have gotten great feedback from everybody that has read it Im going on a limb and standing by my 5 stars on story structure. The characters are mostly based on real people and real events.

    The dialog is as true to the lingo spoken in the late 70’s early 80’s since I lived it, I know.

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  11. October 27, 2013, 9:09 am
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    this story is a lot of what it was like in the 70″s for me, just walking down the street wearing your Fraternity colors could get you beat up or even killed. When members of your Fraternity found out it would and could escalate as decribed in the screenplay To this day there still is a special bond for me with members from that Fraternaty (AOT) and some of the other Fraternaties too.

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    • fgross2006 says
      October 27, 2013, 10:57 am

      Thanks Dan. People don’t understand that we were in a high school fraternity as opposed to college fraternities. The high school frat life on Long Island in the 70’s and 80’s was unique and tough at the same time. Although we were in the same frat we were separated by about a decade but you saw the resemblances to your experiences in AOT as well.

      Thanks for the kind review.

      To others who read this screenplay, Fraternal Brotherhood is dramatized but still based on real life and events that happened on Long Island in the 70’s-80’s.

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