FA Down
User Rating:
VN:RO [1.9.17_1161]
Overall
Concept
Story Structure
Character
Dialogue
Grammar
Budget (1-Low / 5-High)
Rating: 2.2/5 (9 votes cast)

FA Down

A flight attendants day at the office becomes a fight for life or death on a path paved with murder, receipt and bio-terrorism. If Dan Kramer only knew, he should never have gotten out of bed.

Total Pages: 59

9 Comments

Leave A Reply
  1. Profile photo of barfield999
    February 14, 2016, 3:42 pm
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    This story is written like a novel. Film is about showing and not telling. Also there are format problems. With the technical expertize is does seem like an authentic happening.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user
  2. Profile photo of Pasquali
    Pasquali says
    July 25, 2015, 12:41 pm
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    I agree with others here that the structure really needs work. The concept is actually interesting, but as a screenplay it doesn’t work as presently written. Have you considered writing this as a novel first? That might be something to consider, although it would still need a lot of work on the structure.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user
  3. December 3, 2013, 12:12 pm
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    Fine-tune the overall structure and this might story work well. Not a bad concept, just needs a thorough polish.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user
  4. Profile photo of danac707
    danac707 says
    July 12, 2013, 2:10 pm
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    jusork gave you a great and detailed review. Your concept is good and the potential to be a feature is definitely there, but you must study screenplay formatting. It’s hard for someone that reads lots of scripts to get past the formatting to see your ideas. You want them to have an easy time so they can enjoy your story. Keep at it. You have something here.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user
  5. wardparry says
    October 24, 2012, 3:41 am
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    I would echo much of what has already been said about this. Way too much detail, characters are under-developed. I also fet the trigger event at JFK, both the incursion and the near collision on the runway was too convenient (in the case of the incursion) and overly complex (in the case of the near collision). There’s a lot of convenience in this narrative, for a conspiracy story, I think that’s a weakness.

    Conceptually, if you can get all the mechanics into gear, you’ll have a commercial project in your hands. Good luck with it.WP

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user
  6. Profile photo of jusork
    jusork says
    September 24, 2012, 10:00 am
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    First, you over-explain a lot of your action. For example, he gently closes the door as not to disturb his wife. His intentions are implied in that he’s doing it gently. There would be no way to show his intentions any other way so why say it further. This causes your action description to be overly verbose. You should be able to split up your paragraphs into no more than four lines each, with no more than the number of paragraphs that you have now. In this way, the script is written more like a book with bad prose. You can’t be describing Dan’s intentions and thoughts after he has them. They should be apparent. You should have to explain nothing in your action descriptions.

    You also shouldn’t be describing information for us. Such as what CSM stands for. You wouldn’t have it in the movie would you? So why have it in the script? And so you’ll need to figure out a way to explain the information that is important without saying it in the script.
    You really don’t follow script rules much in this script. For one, you should not have scene titles. This should not be a shooting script, and even if it is, why send it to a script contest? At one point you actually have your scene title in place of your slugline.

    You’re very direct and simple with the storytelling, with little extra drama or action happening. You should feel free to take additional liberties besides exactly what they would do according to protocol. Dan is our main character and we don’t even get any real drama from him until page 30. Even then he seemed pretty relaxed at the destruction site. Can’t you have him realize that something is really wrong before the planes nearly hit. Then you can see them struggle desperately to open the cockpit before it goes down. This adds drama to your story and for your character. You could have them see the plane about to hit out the window and become much more concerned, perhaps figuring that this seems like a possible TT2. Even when the pirates open the canister, Dan still has no idea what’s going. Is this a comedy or a drama?

    As much as you clearly try to write your words, it still comes across muddy and confusing at times and often you miss letters or grammar. A good example of the confusion happened here for me: “With a foot stood in a loop of the anchor of another screaming in agony and madness he is wrenched from where he stands.” Don’t be so wordy.

    It wasn’t until he wrote his text message that I realized he was floating in water. I also get no idea of what he’s thinking. He doesn’t seem to be trying anything. Give him some expressions or something. While in the water, we should really be getting a sense of danger or worry from Dan.

    With your frequent phone calls between characters, you might consider the common script technique of ‘intercut between.’ You would say this next to both your scene headings in one and then continue with the dialogue as if they’re in the same scene. Then it cuts out a lot of unnecessary sluglining.

    Who refers to their cell phone by the brand name? Do you have some kind of advertising deal with Sony?

    The dialogue in the phone conversations with the president and the government, informing each other what’s going on is so expository I feel like I’m on a crime show. Don’t tell it so outright unless you have to, and I think most of this could be shown in some other way. Some of it we might not even need to know, such as the nature and details of the bioweapon.

    I think its funny that a couple pages before your script ends, you found it necessary to describe Officer Reyner’s physique. It seems every one we’ve seen undressed has a great body.

    You definitely didn’t establish that there was a shark in the water, circling them from the beginning. I remember you saying the pirates saw something in the water, but nothing more than that was said I believe.

    The fight with the pirate is some good dramatic action actually, but it’s short lived. You could’ve continued it by having Dan realize there is a plane still around that he could get. Then his fever and the need to desperately get the rescue flare would be a more developed struggle. Layer the action and drama instead of taking each step by step.

    As it is though, he really is just really lucky. He barely did anything to try to survive other than checking his cell phone. Even then he got lucky. The guys looking for him did more than I would’ve expected to try to save one person who they have little reason to think would be there. Maybe the story should be about them since they certainly struggle with a lot of drama. Good luck with rewrites though. I think you’ve got plenty to work off of and you could easily extend it thirty more good pages. You’ll just have to figure out where to take the story.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user
  7. Profile photo of JDror
    JDror says
    September 19, 2012, 12:35 am
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    The author is clearly more comfortable writing short stories than scripts. Descriptions are thorough, indeed too thorough leaving very little room for dialogue. Of the 59 pages probably a good 30-40 pages are descriptive. In addition there are serious problems with formatting.

    Clean it up and put more attention into characters and dialog. I’d like to see it again in movie friendly format.

    By the way the term is “Muslim” not “Islamic man”. sigh.

    Buy a few books on screenwriting if that is truly the medium you wish to use for your story telling. Otherwise consider writing short stories and novels.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user
  8. September 18, 2012, 6:11 am
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    I’d say this script needs some work, but the story is there and I liked the concept! I also feel that there was too much camera direction and setting of the scene. It caused the screenplay to read more like a shooting script rather than a screenplay. It seemed to take me out the story completely at times. I think that in the next draft try cutting down on the camera direction and focus more on character building, make me care about the people involved in your story. I agree with the other person who commented on your screenplay, it should be in the drama category!

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user
  9. Profile photo of Jezabel12
    Jezabel12 says
    September 11, 2012, 6:10 pm
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    I’m afraid that the story and the script as a whole was severely lacking. The structure needs some serious work. I’m not sure why the writer labeled each scene with a # and title, but it shouldn’t be there. Not only is it not needed, it ruins the scene the reader is about to read. There is also way too much camera direction in the script. It shouldn’t be there at all. That should be reserved for the director only. The second I start to read camera direction, I’m taken out of the story.

    As far as story itself, it needs some work. The script should probably have been entered in the Drama category. There’s very little action or sci-fi. Also, If your going to do a script that is only 59 pages, you need to make it engaging. Specifically with the opening. Nothing really major happens till about page 10. At times the dialougue comes across as cheesy, not always, but definitely more then it should.

    Best of luck to you! I’m sure it will be much better after a re-write.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.