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i’m lost but I kind of get it
Agree with Tserlin, the first line is a killer, keep that. The rest is gibberish. There is little to no information about the story here.
I have absolutely no idea what this logline is supposed to say. And it would be interesting if a film company would actually use ‘friggin’ and ‘dammit’ in a logline to promote their film…
You know what this logline reminds me of? An introductory voice over narration. I can totally imagine a narrator reading those exact words, well, except for the Bullworth thing.
I’ve read your script and it’s a tremendous read. I’d suggest a re-think of the logline, it’s not doing your talent and your script any justice.
Yeah, horrible logline. Sorry. Whenever I read that last line though I can’t help but crack up. I have no idea what it means.
I aggree with first writer. First part of Log line is good but the other stuff just confuses me.
I would rethink your logline to reflect the actual story. If you had two sentences to sell this story to a major studio – what would it be?
It sounds more like the beginning of a mini synopsis than a logline. Stateing names doesn’t really matter as much as who they are and what their doing. Referencing a film within the logline doesn’t do it for me. What if the reader hasn’t seen the film or even worse, didn’t like the film. Wouldn’t that put you in a damaging light of the familiar. Sure it could go the positive way but why take the chance Bob.
Your first line is terrific – then you lose the push with the word selection. If you synthesize down to the core of the story – and clarify that second line (without slangish words) – you will have something readers may want to see.
This wouldn’t entice me to read the script. It doesn’t tell enough of the story. Selfishly, it helped me to get what’s wrong with my own entry!
A rather useless logline. A logline is supposed to get the reader interested through the story description. I have no idea what the story is and so I have no idea what to be interested in.
And yet the logline at least is readable. Bob is halfway there! Sounds like Emet does insist on being truthful and somehow manages serious repercussions longer than most who try. But you’re right, there needs to be more specifics.
I also don’t find anything wrong with referring to the main character by name, especially if it’s also the title. He’s got to be referred to as something.
The problem with this logline is that I still don’t know what the story is about. Forget Bullworth, this isn’t about Bullworth. Emet is irrelevant too. You don’t need the protagonist’s name, you need “who/what” he is. A crooked politician? A slimy celebrity publicist? He’s apparently a liar, but we haven’t a clue what he’s a liar about, who he’s a liar to, or what’s at stake.