Eggs
User Rating:
VN:RO [1.9.17_1161]
Overall
Concept
Story Structure
Character
Dialogue
Grammar
Budget (1-Low / 5-High)
Rating: 2.7/5 (5 votes cast)

Eggs

Eggs’ greatest challenge isn’t becoming an F-15C pilot in a macho world where a troglodyte schemes to destroy her career, or even surviving a North Korean attack force on the wing of her mentor against 12 to 1 odds. It’s having the courage to be a woman.

5 Comments

Leave A Reply
  1. Profile photo of ejeske
    ejeske says
    September 12, 2012, 6:34 pm
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    This was a fun script with a strong female protagonist. A rewrite and some polishing could really help take it to the next level.

    I think this is a viable story idea and making your main character and fighter pilot a woman is a nice twist. It does feel a little familiar but that is because Top Gun is such a huge movie. Finding some more unique story beats could help separate your script from theirs. Your writing is pretty clear and concise and you definitely know your Navy/air combat language. I could see the movie really well.

    I really like the title of the script and the call sign of “Eggs.” It’s pretty perfect.

    I’d be careful putting a Sci-Fi or Fantasy genre label on it however. There are no elements of these genres present that I could tell.

    One area where this script suffered for me was in its presentation. The top and bottom margins looked a little off and would probably make the script have an even higher page count if corrected. There also seemed to be some spacing issues as well. There were too many ellipses throughout the entire script. Having to pause or take a beat that many times in the dialogue really slows down the read and the pacing of the script. Use sparingly. In many instances a comma would work just as well. I also like articles (a, an, the) in the action lines. I’m not sure if this is a style thing or what but it just made it harder to read for me.

    I felt some of the story beats and act breaks could have been stronger. The inciting incident/catalyst that starts Eggs on her journey seems to be missing as well as a clear Act II break. What is the new world that Eggs is moving in to? She starts in the Fighter School and pretty much stays there until going to King Salmon in Act III. The Beav/Eggs b-story/love story works well though and was strong.

    There is a good story in here but for the most part, Eggs isn’t really challenged. She has a few bumps along the way but nothing that will really stop her from her goal of going to weapons school and making squadron commander. Even the sexism that she encounters doesn’t really threaten her goal. The biggest thing and the thing that works the best is the romance complication but only because it takes her focus off her goal. There didn’t really seem to be any rule against the pilots fraternizing with other pilots, just fear of getting made fun of. Gretch is a great setup to the love complication but never really pays off. There is all this tension built up on pg. 38 but then Eggs and Gretch don’t even interact. She could definitely be used more for the love triangle angle.

    I did like how the comedic thread was woven through the script. Some good chuckles and felt how fighter pilots would interact.

    Alicia was my favorite character after Eggs. She is a great contrast and used very well to play with the themes of femininity and show the parts of Eggs that she is missing. Since there are so many characters/fighter pilots, making their voices a little more unique could help clear up any confusion. You do a good job at making us sympathize with Eggs. I feel for her and I want her to succeed. I want her to accomplish her goals. The antagonists, Barch, the General, and his son could have provided more hurdles for Eggs though.

    The dialogue was pretty good but the technical jargon while seeming real just didn’t make sense to me. It took me out of the script. Maybe there is a way to keep it technical and real but also make it easier to understand to a general layperson?

    I would also trim some of the fat in this script. I don’t think we need to see every action they perform in the action line. Start some scenes in the middle and get to it faster. There were directions for time to speed up or down. I think you can just cut to where you need to be.

    I liked the pregnant angle at the end but leaving Beav’s death open felt a little cheap. It was 3 months later and he’s not back? Let him have his death and let it have weight.

    Overall a great start. Good job.

    GOOD LUCK!

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user
  2. Profile photo of peterbrooke
    August 29, 2012, 7:36 pm
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    Big boots you’re trying to fill. Good attempt.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user
  3. Profile photo of hlanderson
    hlanderson says
    August 22, 2012, 9:52 pm
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    Didn’t really like this script at all. Too much jargon that I didn’t understand; too much of an “insider’s” viewpoint. Characters, both male and female, were “stock” and stereotyped. Humor was adolescent. Action sequences were hard to follow in print. In general, I think most women would find this film offensive. Maybe you started out with the idea that you were writing a feminist story, but it ended up being just the opposite. Maybe it would hit the mark with very young teen males.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user
  4. rickemg says
    August 2, 2012, 9:39 am
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    All in all this is a good script where Bob obviously is either a pilot or has done some thurough research. The action and fight scenes are well written and have impact. A few typos which definately needs cleaning up before submitting to production companies.

    Well done Bob, I think you have the next female top gun.

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user
  5. Profile photo of rkwok
    rkwok says
    July 16, 2012, 12:23 pm
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    There are a lot of good things going for this script. It has tremendous action sequences, and I find that the technical jargon enhances the action rather than detract from it (although I must say many times I have no idea what they are talking about). The dialogue in most part is good: authentic, snappy. Particularly loved Egg’s voice over around p83. Obviously the writer knows a lot about air to air combat and it really comes through. One of the hardest thing to do in war movies is to make the hero really heroic: I think you succeeded with Beavs.

    The main issue is that once you have a love story and a bunch of fighter jocks, you are living under the shadow of Top Gun. There are some humorous attempts to attack that issue head on with direct references to Top Gun. That works, but only part of the way. OK, so the main character is a girl (and not Tom Cruise): but they are both “mavericks”. It is a big albatross around the script’s neck. I kept on waiting for something really different to happen so I can throw that albatross away.

    While I like the character of Eggs (great call sign by the way), I thought she needed to be tested more prior to the big fight. Sure she is discriminated against, but every time she gets away with it either with her Akido or something breaks in her favour (eg the whole thing about the video tape). I never felt that she was really threatened during the pre fight scene build up. I think there needs to be more conflict in order for her character and also her love relationship to fully develop.

    While the dialogue is generally very good, I thought there was too much talk about the whole feminism thing. At the end, I felt it was a bit preachy. I think less is more with this particular issue. It would have been more interesting if maybe the biggest issue with a woman being amongst the jocks isn’t that she is a woman, but something else.

    A couple of typos: p91 “say your gas”; p80 “then you”

    VN:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
    Report user

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.