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Rating: 3.6/5 (25 votes cast)

Drive Thru

A troubled middle aged warehouse manager finds solace in the compassionate young voice that emanates from the order speaker of a local drive thru restaurant he frequents.

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  1. mikeyz says
    May 2, 2015, 11:25 pm

    James,

    Thank you for appreciating my story here and for seeing where I was coming from with Felix. Your words certainly mean a lot to me! I knew when I wrote this that it wasn’t going to be to everyone’s liking especially with the very disturbing nature of the Felix character, and for the fact that the story is driven quite heavily through dialogue rather than action (a common scenario with my works as you have likely noticed!) But I always knew that I had a pretty good little story to tell and was anxious to get it up on this site!

    As for that ending — I’m very proud of how it turned out and I think it really makes this story. Thank you for the nice compliment about it being one of the best you’ve read on this site.

    Don’t worry about the Johnny Millers who read and reviewed this — all points are well-taken because we are in a creative, highly subjective industry where one person’s trash is another person’s treasure! It’s the nature of the beast and everyone is certainly entitled to their opinions with no ill will. I truly am appreciative of all feedback — positive and negative. Where I have a problem is when someone reads the first 2 pages and passes judgement on an entire script based on those 2 pages. That to me seems a tad inane and lacks serious credibility.

    I have since made some modifications to the script and I think it looks a lot more polished now — especially in the spelling and formatting areas. This screenplay finished 4th in this competition last year and was also an Official Finalist at the Canada International Film Festival — a festival based out of Vancouver which is a pretty big deal up here in the north country!

    Again, I’m so glad you enjoyed this, James, and thank you again for your nice comments!

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  2. roknsrf says
    May 2, 2015, 9:34 pm
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    This script was sensational, and kicks the crap out of convention, all the more reason to love it. I couldn’t put it down. Thank God for a script that didn’t pander to the new American audience who doesn’t have the attention span of a meth addicted ferret with ADHD. The dialogue was crisp and engaging. The consistency of the protagonist’s behavior was equally refreshing. For once, the protagonist proves to be someone who could actually exist in the real world and remain true to his personality throughout an entire screenplay. So, he didn’t redeem himself and save mankind, boo fricken hoo. As for the story structure, the inciting incident is when Felix’s wife leaves him, the turn is when he meets Lindsay face to face. How on earth can anyone not identify these clear act transitions or complain about them is dumbfounding to me, especially when the 3rd act is spectacularly executed. I defy anyone to find a better ending in any of the scripts on this site. One of the best scripts I’ve read, and I totally agree with Cusack as Felix. Now, this is a screenplay I’d like to see in the theater. Masterful.

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  3. mikeyz says
    February 4, 2014, 11:26 am

    Thank you for the review Kurt – really appreciate the feedback.

    Felix is not an easy person to empathize with that’s for sure! I will work on perhaps bettering his character arc a little more in my next draft.

    Thanks again,

    Mike.

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    Kurt-Mayes says
    February 3, 2014, 11:00 pm
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    Hi Michael,

    I have just finished reading your script ‘Drive Thru’. I’m a big fan of dialogue driven films, and out of the 3 scripts I’ve read so far in this comp, this by far has the best dialogue. While the dialogue was strong, I didn’t feel it was strong enough to carry the lack of narrative that your story has. About 40 pages in I realised nothing significant had really happened, and unfortunately I felt that way for the complete story. I didn’t feel any drama in the story and I didn’t really care too much for these characters, in particular Felix who I couldn’t sympathize with on any level. Some important social issues are addressed, albeit very mildly. In these areas I feel you could have gone a lot stronger at the intended targets.

    What I enjoyed most about your script (besides the dialogue), was your ability to construct scenes and know exactly where and when to exit them. It was for these reasons that I never got bored of the dialogue, but rather felt like a participant in the room listening in on the conversations. It was a nice easy read. I wasn’t blown away though or captivated in the narrative. I do think you have a lot of talent, and I’d be interested in reading something of yours that was more story driven, complimented with your skills in writing dialogue.

    Good luck Michael.

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  5. Joseph-Day says
    January 2, 2014, 2:37 pm

    No problem. Just whenever you have time. I agree with what you said about dialogue driven films being hit or miss with audiences. A film like Killing Them Softly received a lot of hate from audiences because of all the dialogue which is a shame because it is a great film.

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  6. mikeyz says
    January 2, 2014, 10:24 am

    Thank you for your appreciation of the concept here Joseph! I know full-well that dialogue-driven stories such as this are really hit and miss depending on audience-expectation. I understand why some reviews might be a tad negative gven the concept here but overall I’m very appreciative of all the feedback I have been receiving. I am going over the grammar and spelling as well in my latest draft!

    Thank you again for your review Joseph and, as long as you’re okay with a bit of a time delay, I would definitely be interested in having a read of Genesis for sure!

    Best,

    Mike.

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  7. Joseph-Day says
    January 1, 2014, 4:44 pm
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    This is a great script. I really don’t understand some of these negative reviews. This is a strong, character driven story with a very clever concept. The dialogue in this is impeccable. Definitely the best script that I have read in this competition so far. I imagined John Cusack as the lead for some reason.
    One quick note on the grammar: You tend to leave out commas where they should be. For example there needs to be a comma before someone’s name when their name is at the end of the statement. For example “Thank you Felix.” Should read, “Thank you, Felix.” Other than that, the grammar was great.
    I, too, have a script in this competition called Genesis. I would really be interested in getting your opinion on it, especially concerning my characters and dialogue.

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  8. mikeyz says
    December 27, 2013, 1:36 pm

    Thank you again Andrea for reading another of my scripts! … And I know there is way too much dialogue and not enough action here. That is a subconcious trademark of my writing style as a really big fan of dialogue-driven stories. It is something I definitely need to address in my future works for sure!

    Thanks again for your feedback!

    Best,

    Mike.

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  9. aweiss says
    December 27, 2013, 4:34 am
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    For a script that was almost all dialog, and V.O dialog at that, very entertaining, lots of twists, and I love the ending. Even as the characters are unlikeable, I like them anyway, if only because they’re real, and do show some morals and decency in the end. I maybe could have done with a bit more description among all the talking, maybe eating, maybe just fidgeting, just a thought, as that might not work. At any rate, good job!

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    says
    May 31, 2013, 5:55 pm
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    😉

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  11. mikeyz says
    May 29, 2013, 9:02 am

    Too funny Blake! Actually, part of my inspiration for the script came from this amazingly beautiful and friendly young lady I ordered food from one real late night at a well-known fast food establishment near my home a long time ago. We ended up having a pleasant conversation about fast food and other things over the speaker for about 10 minutes! It then dawned on me that this could potentially make for a weird and funny movie … lol!
    I assure you I’m nothing like Felix though by any stretch of the imagination!

    Keep in touch Blake!

    Cheers,

    Mike.

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  12. mikeyz says
    May 28, 2013, 2:16 pm

    Thanks so much Blake for your kind feedback … I’m glad you enjoyed my story!

    I really knew going in that this wasn’t going to be for everybody that’s for sure, hence the real mixed bag of reviews as you mentioned!

    I really wanted to go for something different, simple and low-budget and driven primarily by dialogue more than action. This movie could probably be made for less than 10 grand I would think! I am not familiar with the actor you mentioned but I definitely think it would be a real challenge for anyone to play Felix! I am trying to develop his arc a little better as you and other readers have suggested! Thank you for your input and I am taking all reviews, both positive and negative, to heart for sure!

    As for me, I am from Toronto so I guess some Canadian-ess did manage to subconsciously seap into the dialogue … sorry for that! But all in all, my social and economic themes in this story are probably relatable to any of us here in the western world I would think.

    If you’re ever up in my neck of the woods Blake, please feel free to give me a shout!
    As you may know, we have been referred to as “Hollywood North” here in Toronto so I have some sense of what goes on where you are (though certainly not to the same extent!)
    I visited West Hollywood last summer — stunningly beautiful — Malibu, B.H., Rodeo, Santa Monica Blvd., Sunset, the Valley, Universal, the Bowl, Kodak Theatre, Belair, Mulholland, Becks, Chilli Peppers, Peach Pit, Whiskey A Go Go, Viper Room, In-Out Burger, etc. — forget about it!

    Thank you again Blake for taking the time to read and review my screenplay!

    Best,

    Mike.

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    • Profile photo of
      says
      May 29, 2013, 6:25 am

      Anytime Mikey,

      This could def be shot for way cheap and probably even in Toronto if you wanted to. Its just funny that since your from Canada my mind automatically created this canada land where cute, slightly gothic chicks operate drive thru windows at fast food joints called the zone lol. Power of suggestion. So even tho i havent been there i felt like I experienced what canada might be like. Funny that it turned out to be set in U.S i couldnt make the switch back. Either way as long as filmed in the western world i agree, should work out! Haha.

      Sounds like you pretty much covered the essential staples of L.A. But I have a feeling you left out a couple strip clubs on the sunset strip? Hahaha.

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    says
    May 28, 2013, 9:20 am

    Hey Mikey,

    Been meaning to give you some feedback. I read your script a couple weeks back and flew through it. Never had that with a script before. You seem to have a good variety of feedback so wasn’t sure what else to note. I read it again recently same experience. I really enjoyed your dialogue and especially Felix for his wit, persistency, and in control attitude. Even though it was sort of hard for me to root for him after finding out about his drug dealing and extramarital affairs, but those three traits barely covered that enough for me to continue watching him. I guess he got what he deserved. I would’ve liked to have seen some sort of “save the cat moment” and maybe some sort of avenue for him to overcome his flaws. Then again, for this character and ending, not sure that would be possible without some major re-working. But At least, he felt counter-balanced by his fate and backstabbing supporting characters, Nathan, Lindsay,etc.

    You probably wouldn’t think the first 16 pages of dialogue at a drive thru could work in a screenplaybut I didn’t have a problem with it. Felix wanted something and didn’t let up, the conflict over an order was funny, entertaining, and really helped Felix shine as a one of a kind character. The dialogue between him and lindsay felt spontaneous and witty. The whole screenplay was pretty brisk not to mention. the relationship you setup with Lindsay and Felix from the beginning felt special and real, made me want to keep reading to see how that seed would sprout.

    I honestly only think this movie would really work as a lifetime movie which I think someone might’ve noted before. Upon finishing, I didn’t feel like it was anything spectacular but definitely good enough to pack enough entermainment punch. Part of the problem for me was the redundancy of Felix at work, Felix at the drive thru. But looking back with only three major characters, its probably hard to combat that and I think with the circumstances you had setup, the structure was pretty logical. I don’t know I guess I was just hoping something more grand or elaborate. On my first read, after Felix woke at work the first time, I thought “Woh, he thinks the drive thru chick he met in his dream is real. What a cool idea. Wait a second is she?” Well that got cleared up, a little confusing on first read. But Maybe that isn’t a bad avenue to explore. You’d probably have to come up with an entirely diff story though.

    Anyways, I think your a really Talented writer Mikey, and this is def def not a bad effort at all. I think if you keep writing with the effort you gave you could really strike gold with a script if not already. I felt your characters, dialogue, twist, formatting/brevity, and instincts are really strong. I just hope you bring a character like Felix back in this story or another one and give him a bigger arc, or a bigger change/transformation/ where he really comes out on top. He was fun to watch because he was a go getter, i felt like he had the potential for something better than his ending. He didn’t really succeed at anything in my opinion. So don’t feel like his story is over. After this ending I could see him re adjusting his goal into something more grand and elaborate, something that if he achieved would really make him change for better or worse. And because he’s a go getter you could really throw him under a bus. To see Felix surmount something of that magnitude would really be fun to watch.

    Anyways sorry for blabberin so much! But Just one last thing, I know you set the story in U.S (right?) but for some reason I imagined some sort of Canadian vibe from the setting/characters. Never been there so don’t know why. I see your Canadian but not sure thats it or is it? But speaking of Canadian, If one were to play Felix I thought Peter Keleghan could maybe be a fit for him. Alright! Looking forward to more of your stuff Mikey!

    Best,
    Blake

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  14. mikeyz says
    May 15, 2013, 8:59 am

    Thank you for your comments and for taking the time to read my story Simon.

    Your suggestions on “dumbing this down” by replacing dialogue with action sequences are not what this is about at all if you really took a close look at the nature of the story and the characters.

    Sorry it wasn’t your kind of thing … no worries!

    Best of luck to you in the competition!

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  15. May 14, 2013, 6:37 pm
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    I think I might have read a different script to the last set of reviewers as I am astonished they gave this script such high ratings. I’m sorry to be a lone voice but I really struggled to keep going with this script. I nearly gave up around page 50 after nothing significant had happened to keep my attention, but I kept going since other reviewers said the second half was better. Indeed, more did happen in the second half, but ultimately this script suffers from no clear story or character arc and no clear motivation for the lead character to achieve anything by the end. It just meanders from one dialogue-laden scene to another. I’d recommend you have a rethink around what the lead character wants to achieve in this story, what motivates him (and your audience) to stick with it, and how each scene and each piece of dialogue contributes towards this story. I’d cut out lots of dialogue, replacing it with actions that move the story forward in the place of spoken words, and develop a character arc for the lead character so the story has somewhere to go.

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    deanooo321 says
    May 10, 2013, 9:28 pm
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    Truly original script. Enjoyed the story immensely, especially the relationship between Lindsay and Felix. Nice touch with her being upset and giving him a kiss as he was lying in the basement.. I might have shown Nathan finding out that Felix did know about the job loss and develop that revenge a bit. But he is an ex-con what do you expect.

    If you were looking to show Felix’s character more in the beginning you could have him visit another drive thru or expand on the dialogue with the first drive thru.

    Compared to other comments, I appreciated the scene endings. Each scene doesn’t need to have a closure to it.

    Loved the ending as well. It really got me thinking about what would happen next.

    I could definitely see this on the big screen.

    Well done

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    Bruta says
    May 10, 2013, 11:30 am
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    Very impressed! Couldn’t put it down…easy read, love the ending. Overall I think you did a great job on the script.
    looking forward to reading more of your work. Wishing you the best of luck!

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  18. mikeyz says
    May 10, 2013, 11:19 am

    No sequels in the works at this point … lol!
    I wouldn’t have a clue where to take the story from there anyway!

    Thanks for taking the time to read it and for your feedback!

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    big-bear says
    May 10, 2013, 10:31 am
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    Overall, good script with an interesting mix of charachters and interesting conclusion.

    However, there seems to be elements to the charachters (e.x.Nathan’s hidden agenda or Glenda’s saviour act) ) that are unexplained/undeveloped, for the 2nd half of the script.

    In addition, some of Felix’s dialogue ( ex: with Larissa) seems a bit ‘forced’.

    But as a whole, this script keep me entertained. It will be interesting to see how this script continues in the future.

    Great job and looking forward to a sequel :)

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  20. mikeyz says
    May 10, 2013, 8:28 am

    My sense is that everyone seems to like the 2nd half of this story way more than the 1st half.
    So let me work on the 1st half then in my next draft to get the story flowing better from the outset.

    Thank you all so much for your feedback!

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    kccarmea says
    May 10, 2013, 6:50 am
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    This script took a while to get started but it read so smoothly. This is the best script I have read so far in this competition. Usually I want to fall asleep reading but this flowed smoothly. Felix’s character is mysterious and I loved him. But there was a lack of action. I think it would make a great movie though and I enjoyed the ending where we are left wondering what the hell is happening. Good read!

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    blin says
    May 9, 2013, 8:59 pm
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    I really enjoy to read the script. It takes a little while to pick up, but it runs smoothly closer to the end. The ending is a classic one, but I like it. I wish I can watch the movie in the near future. Good Job, Mike!

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  23. mikeyz says
    May 9, 2013, 3:56 pm

    Really appreciate all the flattering comments jonychang but give me some honest feedback as well. When you get some time, re-read this and explain to me what exactly you loved about the story. I’m not sure if your sentiments are just mirroring the last few reviews or if you truly mean it!

    Thanks again!

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    jonycheng says
    May 9, 2013, 2:30 pm
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    it is awesome and I pretty enjoy to read them all :-)

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    Rocky says
    May 8, 2013, 10:06 pm
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    i thoroughly enjoyed reading this script and the characters involved. The ‘hidden agenda’ of Lindsay and Nathan were really masked from the beginning and how it played out at the end was simply marvelous.

    Well done Mike!

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    petezog says
    May 8, 2013, 8:24 pm
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    just recently finished reading this script and i have to say it was quite entertaining…the writer did a great job with the characters and the story… i read the whole script in one sitting so it kept me interested throughout which doesn’t happen very often..the ending was classic…a must read..great job Mickey z..i can certainly see this script becoming a movie one day..

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    tikiman says
    April 25, 2013, 2:02 pm
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    The grammar, spelling and formatting issues are a problem. It’s annoying that the industry puts so much emphasis on formatting but we’re stuck with it. As someone suggested, download a free screenwriting program and get a book on screenwriting. These problems took away from your work.
    I did not like any of the characters and wanted the story to be done so I could never hear of them again. Nobody to root for.
    This may work better as a one act play.
    Keep going!

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  28. ssabatino says
    April 21, 2013, 4:14 pm
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    Hi, Mickeyz:
    I am stopping at page 50. It is nearly one hour into the film, and I am waiting for something to “give.” Here are my suggestions:
    Your story is COMPLETELY dependent upon character development. This is a very difficult script to write. In effect, your task is to create tension and suspense through dialogue. Unfortunately, much of your dialogue doesn’t fly. You need to lock-down Felix from page one. It takes up until page 24 for me to learn he’s a slouch at work, an inadequate husband, and a fetishist. If that is your aim, you can achieve that much sooner. Cut the first 6 pages; you don’t need any of that. Concentrate on bringing Lindsay in on page one. Develop the relationship from the get-go. Reveal to us Felix’s idiosyncrasies through that reference point. The dialogue between Felix and Lindsay, as it is written, needs much more development. Lindsay swings back and forth from naïve teenager, to promiscuous 20-something. I can’t get a bead on her. Is she just “playing” with him? If so, I don’t know that.

    Page 27: Glenda’s comment, “get some help” is odd, since you have yet to develop Felix as a sociopath. I’m guessing you are heading in that direction based on what you’ve shown me so far. It’s okay to have a cast of unlikeable characters, which you have. (I don’t like/care about any of them.) You need, however, to give the audience a reason for spending its time with them.
    Ask yourself the all important question: Why would a 20 year old girl engage in intimate conversation – time and again – with a 41 year old stranger who eats fast food on a regular basis in the a.m. hours?
    If you can answer that, then answer it early on – through your dialogue. Get into your characters’ heads. How would each of them speak?
    As for writing the dialogue, keep paring it down to a few poignant sentences. You are taking pages to say very little. The audience is smart enough to glean from a brief dialogue what a person is about.
    By the way, be careful about the parentheticals. You are putting action direction in them. Remember, the parenthetical is for an adverb – sometimes an adjective.
    Who said it was easy?

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    • mikeyz says
      April 21, 2013, 8:42 pm

      Hi Sandra: As always, thanks ever so much for your constructive feedback — I do appreciate it!

      I totally agree with you on the simple fact that it is extremely difficult to pull off a real winner on a story completely dependent on dialogue and hence, character development. I will continue to work on this as I write on and re-write on going forward with your very helpful advice in mind!

      I was really hoping Sandra to try to convince you to read further to see where this story takes you — I think you will really find it worth your while to do so.

      A lot of the readers here almost lost hope just as you did early on in the story, only to be pleasantly surprised in the second half of the script where a whole lot of stuff comes together in some very profound and meaningful ways. A lot of your questions and concerns pertaining to Lindsay’s somewhat odd behaviour and dialogue with Felix will likely be explained as well, I would think!

      If you do choose to read on, perhaps you can write me another review and let me know what you thought of the second half. Of course, I would certainly welcome your feedback once more!

      Thanks again Sandra!

      Best,

      Mike.

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  29. hingylingy says
    April 18, 2013, 1:05 pm
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    Hi Michael;

    I enjoyed reading your script, it was a fast read which I think is a good thing.
    Yours was one of my mandatory ones I had to review.
    I was looking forward to reading the whole script as I know we had a little back and forth banter when I reviewed your log line.

    I think your script would be great as a made for television movie, perhaps even a Lifetime movie. I wish you did more with the ending. Make us realize it is a spirit or he is back for revenge etc..

    a little too open ended..and what happened to Nathan! I think you need a little more closure on the characters. Even if you are writing a sequel, you need more than what you have.

    Imagine showing a scene with Nathan’s bullet riddled body slumped over a desk in a study and cut to a note in front of him and you just catch a bit of the name Felix at the bottom of the sheet..then cut to the drive thru scene in the end..something along those lines..

    I think your dialogue was rather good as it catapulted the story along in a blue collar format, easy to understand. It has a basic nature to it, that I think anyone can get in sync with.
    Truly a dialogue driven script, which is a plus!

    You also intimated that there may be a connection between Lindsay and Felix’s daughter, whose name I can’t even remember. I think more involvement with his daughter and wife could help the story and give us more emotional fodder that could feed us and make us care when his wife leaves. The way it is now made me feel like: Oh big deal, she left.. OK back to the hooker scenes..

    The conflict here was never quite resolved for Felix…how does Felix become whole?
    Perhaps answering this question can help you further polish this otherwise decent script.

    Best,

    Jay

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    • mikeyz says
      April 18, 2013, 1:29 pm

      Really appreciate the kind feedback Jay … I’m glad you enjoyed the story!
      And you make some really great suggestions for improvement … thanks again.

      BTW, it’s kinda funny as I just finished your script for “LIFECredit”, which I was also assigned to read, and I’m almost ready to post a review on that.

      Stay tuned!

      P.S., Felix’s daughter is “Maria” and Lindsay does remind Felix of her — which is why Felix resists Lindsay sexually as the conotations would be real creepy I would think!

      Mike.

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  30. April 11, 2013, 1:31 pm
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    I’m gonna be honest I did not have very high hopes for this going in. But i was wrong. It was so enjoyable it blew my mind. Loved it!! Still love it.

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  31. mikeyz says
    April 11, 2013, 8:46 am

    Thanks so much for your review Chase — I really appreciate you taking the time to read my script!

    I’m quite proud of the way it turned out especially in the end and I agree with you when you say to end the story on the unknown as it did — keeps the audience’s imagination open to speculation on where the story could possibly go from there …

    Thanks again Chase!

    Best,

    Mike.

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  32. April 10, 2013, 8:51 pm
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    I enjoyed this story very much. I think it’s pretty original. It did take a little while to pick up but it was a very good story with excellent characters.

    I would recommend reading through it one more time. There are a few typos and grammar mistakes but that is certainly an easy fix.

    I love the ending of this story so if you do go back and ever change anything around as lets face it us writers tend to do when we reread a script….don’t change the ending. I love how Felix pulls up to Lindsey’s drive thru at the end. I can see the look on her face when he introduces himself to her. That’s the perfect way to fade out! Let the audience decide in their minds what happens from there!

    Way to go man! You’re off to a great start. I could see every scene so clearly. You did an excellent job of bringing your scenes to life!

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  33. April 1, 2013, 1:21 am
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    I might have screwed up, hope my review counts. If not, I’ll gladly work with admins to fix it.

    Here’s why, in short, I give this 3 stars: I’ve read worse but in its current shape I could just barely give it three overall. The main character is flawed, and vulnerable, but a jerk, and I could never really get behind him and hope that he won. Hope that he changed, yes, but not won.

    The good news is that a lot of the problems I had appear to be quite fixable. To run down a list of things that kept me from giving higher scores, in short:

    Dialogue runs on for long stretches, often pages at a time. Many of these sections can be shrunk. And they need to be broken up with judicious description related to the dialogue to avoid the talking heads (or talking drive thru speaker) effect.

    The action does pick up, and the dialogue seems to improve, but rather late in the script. There’s a point (around page 38) where the dialogue starts to have a bit more zing and crackle, showing some life. If the writer was getting to know how his characters sounded, maybe going back with a rewrite with the better feel he has for the characters’ styles would be helpful.

    Formatting is trouble. This needs Final Draft, or a reputable free formatter like Celtx. Dialogue line breaks are not wrapped properly.

    There are many instances of giving us important place info in the slugline, then repeating it in description.

    Expected commas are often missing from dialogue, making it difficult to get the rhythm of speech right.

    __
    To be even shorter: Good start. Mikeyz, I’ll be sending you a private message with exactly one crap-ton (metric, not Imperial) of potential corrections and suggestions. Good luck!

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  34. Profile photo of johnnymiller
    March 18, 2013, 9:45 pm

    I would now rate your story as a 2.5 because of the concept. Another problem with the story is that is took too long to get running. Action must begin to appear no later than page 5 or 6. There was no action of consequence until the last few pages. Also his character should be more explained in the beginning and how that characterization led to his eventual downfall. I know I was somewhat unfair in my initial evaluation but as I said it didn’t grab me.

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  35. Profile photo of johnnymiller
    March 17, 2013, 10:14 pm

    Okay, I’ll admit the plot was more interesting than I first thought. One might feel sorry for Felix but he got what he deserved. He is a womanizer and profiler of people based on their circumstances what you call his profile in the story. But he finds out during the story that his profiling is wrong and wanted to help Lindsay but that’s what gets him in trouble. At the beginning of the story he comes out as a racist and a sarcastic stereotypical asshole. The word man is seriously overused and not true to conversational form. Some of the dialogue exceeded the five lines or less required in script writing. But what others may not see in this script is that you characterized American values for immigrants which is a reflection on American views of immigration law especially when the company was moving its structure to overseas locations in order to save money. Maybe it was intentional and maybe not but it’s there. It also may be a reflection of your beliefs of the immigration problem here in the U.S. I think the plot had a slight semblance to phone booth because a lot deals with drive through situations. Suspense was limited with little or no thrills except two minors surprises where Felix gets shot and revenge. I loved the ending, it was righteous.

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    • mikeyz says
      March 18, 2013, 8:53 am

      Thank you so much John for taking another look and re-reading … I appreciate that.

      And yes, the messages here are certainly social, political and economic. My own personal beliefs are not apart of this although, as a Canadian and not unlike anyone else in America today, I certainly see globalization as having the potential of impacting some people in negative ways while others in a very positive way.

      Thanks again!

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  36. mikeyz says
    March 17, 2013, 5:24 pm

    Talk about extremes in terms of liking or disliking this thing … I guess this is the nature of being in a creative business … you either like it or really hate it … but I really do appreciate all the attention!

    What I don’t like is a single star review for each and every category (including things such as grammar, budget and structure) without really giving a credible and value-added critique of what went wrong, where it could go, what can be done to improve … etc. Such a practice often times creates the illusion that the reviewer is simply just trying to bring down the overall score of the script — and I would hope that you are not trying to do that here John…

    In any event, if you’re gonna give somebody the worst possible rating — at least back it up with some thoughtful insight and not just give a vague generalization on “rewrite needed” – particularly when you’ve already made your mind up after the first 3 pages, and not really bothered to read on to see where the story goes. Something to think about there Mr. Miller — how can you judge an entire script after only reading the first 3 pages?

    Best of luck to you on your own projects!

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    • Profile photo of johnnymiller
      March 17, 2013, 8:47 pm

      I will read your entire script and give you a fair evaluation about it in a couple of days.

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  37. Profile photo of
    says
    March 17, 2013, 2:11 pm
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    The story never gets off the ground. I quote Peter Shaffer’s film Amadeus when I say, “too many notes.” In this case it’s too many words. The dialogue is stiff and I’m sorry to say that I found the whole thing difficult to read. The author should read David Trottier’s book.

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  38. Profile photo of johnnymiller
    March 16, 2013, 9:51 pm
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    The very beginning of your script is no less than problematic. The language is all wrong. The conversation between the main character and Lindsay is far too long. One page should have done it. I do not believe that your script is realistic sounding and I couldn’t get past the first few pages to understand the concept. Consider an overall rewrite. The script must capture the audience during the first few pages but in my opinion and that all it is, you didn’t capture my imagination.

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    • roknsrf says
      May 2, 2015, 8:44 pm

      Johnny Miller, I can safely say your petty little: “put an derogatory four letter laced insult here.”

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  39. March 15, 2013, 9:23 pm
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    I like the possibilities of this script. Low budget, interesting concept.

    I just feel another rewrite or two will sharpen this up Mike.

    Things such as a little more character depth, a more focused plot and story line thenI can see this as a success.

    Good luck!

    Ron

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  40. Profile photo of TheElite09
    TheElite09 says
    March 14, 2013, 3:16 am
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    This was a decent script. Nothing terrible, but nothing memorable. There were some conversations that came to an abrupt end. For example Maria’s conversation with Felix ends “with you know, fuck girls and deal drugs” and then the next scene. I found Felix a little hard to feel sympathetic for. While I do like the fact that he’s not a clear cut good guy, the strip club scene with the black stripper where he came off as a racist isn’t neccesarily forgivable in my eyes, whether he’s drunk or not. The story does drag a bit as well, but I don’t regret reading it. Good luck with the contest.

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    • mikeyz says
      March 14, 2013, 9:03 am

      Thank you for your review.

      You’re right — Felix has absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever … he’s disturbed, compulsive, violent, apathetic, a womanizer, a dealer, and yes, even a racist … but I was never really looking for any sympathy for him from the reader in the first place (I’ve never really been one for the standard Hollywood formula of empathizing for the bad guy in the end).

      But there is an ironic twist of fate at the end that perhaps makes him change his ways (though we don’t really know cos the story kind of ends on that somewhat promising and optomistic note.) And above all, he sticks to his main principles with Lindsay (regardless on how twisted they seem) and ultimately makes an attempt at least to provide her with some assistance while resisting her in other obvious ways.

      As for Maria’s parting words at her father’s interests: “you know, fuck girls my age and deal drugs” — my intent was not to dwell on a long, drawn-out conversation between the 2, but rather to simply express in basic, direct words how she really saw her dad, and then just end on that high (or ultimately low) note!

      Thank you again for taking time to read this – I really appreciate it!

      Best,

      Mike.

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  41. rickemg says
    March 13, 2013, 1:26 pm
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    I thought that it read well and can see it on the screen as a “B”. Felix could be more dimensional in depth. His buddy Nathan was just your typical ex-con I thought, his character rather flat.

    The story was a little slow at times but always headed in the right direction.

    I think that you did a good job Michael.

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    • mikeyz says
      March 13, 2013, 2:29 pm

      Thanks ever so much for your review Rick … I’ll gladly take that ‘B’ rating any day!

      Best,

      Mike.

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