DONUTS WITH JERRY More Images
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Rating: 4.2/5 (3 votes cast)

DONUTS WITH JERRY

When a charming stranger becomes stranded in a small town at Christmas time, he finds himself caught in a mayoral battle between the ruthless town businessman (the founder’s descendant) and the genial owner of the donut shop. By sharing his quirky, yet profound wisdom, he transforms the divisive town through the power of love — and donuts.

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  1. roknsrf says
    January 30, 2015, 9:16 pm
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    First off, it was a complete joy to read this script. Thank you so much. The concept, as I understand it, is the plot combined with the premise, and whereas I found the plot to be very common and predictable, I reveled in the premise of unconditional love conquering all. For that reason I gave the overall concept four stars. I thought the story structure was strong, although, I wanted more of everything you began to develop in the second act so as to allow the third act to bring home all of the emotional impact this story promises. The sub plots, as well, cry out for more, and they are worth it. What do you mean by Olivia’s affectionate touching of Rick? Why is Kate so angry? Is it only Rick’s animosity toward Sutton that’s causing her to be rude to everyone. Why is Tim in love with Maria? Why should we buy into accepting that she only goes for jerks? Why should we believe Billy is capable of being the kind of guy who would force himself on Maria like he did? How does Emily feel about Maria’s choices and how is she affected by it? Why does Sutton give up so easily? If he is the most powerful man in Suttonville why is he so ineffectual? These are just a few of the questions that could be answered.
    My point is, this is a family drama without any jokes and few laughs. By that reasoning the drama must play out fully in not only the plot but the sub plots as well. As for the plot to be fully realized, I feel Sutton needs to either be a more formidable foe or be given the opportunity to get one more upper hand . Remember Mr. Potter in “It’s a Wonderful Life”? When Potter kept the lost bank deposit and George Bailey went crawling to him for help, he was ruthless and that’s what sold us on George’s triumphant comeback. In your story, love is set up to be the overcoming factor, so when you allow Libby out of her crisis by way of the abused wife scenario, it invokes other sympathies and now love is riding shotgun instead of driving the plot home. Bottom line is, it really wasn’t unconditional love that won out in the end.
    I want you to understand, I only made these critiques because I loved this script and I want, perhaps even need, this story to reach it’s full potential. I want this movie to be made and I want to see it in the theater with actors and actresses I love to watch. I want to buy it afterwards on DVD and break it out every time I want to get that feel good emotional lift. If you can somehow give it more of what is already here or just under the surface, I believe you could have the next “Notebook” on your hands.

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  2. DevilDog says
    January 7, 2015, 6:04 pm
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    I’ll begin with what I felt was great: #1. Your transitions from scene to scene, (I thought) were excellent. I think the flow of transitions; be it scene structure, or story development was fantastic. It allowed the reader to easily read, and continue to read with ease.
    #2. The message was admirable. I thought the morality of the story was being told from a great angle and the script did a good job of stringing that out over the short page count.

    What I thought needed work: #1. As (grossmusic) stated; the progression of the script did begin to unravel it’s discipline. The first 30 pages were so strong with grammar and development, that it was almost like a second writer finished the scripts last 15 pages with a deadline to cover.
    (that attention to detail in a re-write can buff out with a proofread). #2. With the story being so transparent in morality, it also made me lose excitement as the third act unfolded. What I mean is that Jerry’s significance in the lives of the townspeople began to become an expected outcome without any original surprises. Not that it’s a bad thing; I just feel like the script was tip-toeing on it’s rating… While reading it, I felt like the mood of which the story was SHOWING, was much more powerful than what you were telling us in direction.
    Less is more when describing someone’s anger or bliss… Example: ” An angry Rick stares at his untouched donut.” pg 68……Rick nods, the pain in his eyes obvious.
    JERRY
    Do you think your brother wanted
    you to be happy?
    RICK
    What kind of stupid-ass question is
    that?
    The Dialogue is sufficient in description… the reader doesn’t need to be (told) how to interpret a characters emotions are through sight, the reader just needs to be shown through their actions. Your characters dialogue is enough.

    All in all I believe this is a good script. I think you have more ability than the last 30 pages gave you credit for. I enjoyed reading it and I’m wishing you nothing but high hopes with it’s polishing. I’d read another one of your scripts without a doubt.

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    filmpenner says
    December 26, 2014, 10:02 pm

    Thanks for the review, grossmusic. I’m glad the story came through so clearly. As you know, there are a number of subplots going on in the story and it’s always tricky to get each character’s story to balance out properly.

    As for this contest, I’m not sure how it’s supposed to work. Am I supposed to review someone else’s script? And only from a certain pool? All the scripts seem to be lumped together so I don’t know what to choose from. And I have also noticed that at least one person in the contest has reviewed his own script! With a surprisingly (not) high score. I’m very disappointed that people can “cheat” so easily … and that they would have the chutzpah to do so! :(

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    • DevilDog says
      January 6, 2015, 12:15 am

      Hi Ron.
      My name is Stephen. I am the (contestant) that you’ve mentioned who rated his own script (not well)…
      I like you have had my own questions with the logistics of this contest and rated my own script honestly, and confidently. Never had I any intentions on ‘cheating’; nor have I cheated at anything in my life. Nevertheless, I am not surprised with the irony that my (instructions) from this contest has assigned YOUR script for me to read and judge… I couldn’t have planned that myself if I tried. Regardless of your concern, I can assure you that my review that I will post about your script will be open minded and honest. The same vision that I have for any other writer that I would hope that I could learn from. Best of luck to you and I hope you can understand that people can make mistakes. I apologize for enabling folks like you to second guess the integrity of this, (or any other contest) because of a writer judging himself prior to the ones that ultimately decide my screenplays fate… please forgive me and feel free to read it yourself and compare my review. I will be posting yours inevitably.

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      • Profile photo of filmpenner
        filmpenner says
        January 6, 2015, 1:05 am

        Hey Stephen, thanks for “‘fessing up.” That takes bravery. The fact that you’ve been assigned to review my script really is the definition of irony. Ha!

        Truthfully, I don’t think I get this contest. If I had known it worked this way, I wouldn’t have spent the $50 (I think it was $50) to enter. It seems like the way it is structured encourages reviewers to give others’ scripts a low-grade because it makes their own scripts score better overall. Definitely feels like a conflict of interest. I much prefer blind judging. That’s the only thing that really makes sense for contests, don’t you think? Or maybe there’s something about this contest I don’t understand. I am certainly willing to be proven wrong. I think seeing a five-star review (even from the author himself) prejudices the judging of that script for future readers. They can’t NOT see it once it’s been in their face. I think that’s unfortunate.

        I just received my screenplay assignments earlier today. I will try to be as impartial in my review as I can be … but I’m sure others may think I’m trying to sabotage their scores if the grade is on the low side. But that’s the job, right? To review fairly – but as I see it. This is a weird situation, Stephen. Good luck to you, too!!

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  4. grossmusic says
    December 21, 2014, 7:05 pm
    Overall
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    Story Structure
    Character
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    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    I’m not sure why there’s a star-score for budget. That skews the star rating doesn’t it? It’s a low-budget film – which is a GOOD thing for filmmakers interested in it. (if it does skew it, I’ll try to fix it if it’s possible to edit after submission)

    Anyhow…Great story. Really – as a story almost everything is perfect.

    As a screenplay, a lot of rookie stuff that distracts a little, but fortunately the worst was saved for the last pages where suddenly we’re yanked right out of the movie with camera directions & credits. Very amateur, but for the most part, it’s devoid of too much of that throughout. Still – why step on the emotions (I had a lump in my throat at the end!) with all that techno junk that doesn’t belong in a spec – ever?

    The typos also accelerated with the page count. More & more as it progressed, as if written in the same haste of the climax.

    The naming convention was off-putting:
    Libby/Lisa
    Kate/Kent
    Jackie/Jerry
    Gallagher/Guinevere

    A few other minor things like that which could have benefitted from some proofreading/formatting expertise, but nothing so distracting that it hurt the read too much.

    Again – on story – great characters, pacing, theme, structure, etc. Really nice job. Story is 5-star, pro-level. Presentation could use some professional polish.

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    • grossmusic says
      December 21, 2014, 7:06 pm

      good – I think the budget doesn’t figure in the score

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