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Pretty good, I would drop the last line, hides in plain sight.. you don’t really need it.
you need a semicolon in there to break it up, maybe right around coveted.
….while avenging her parents’ assassination, but the executive who ordered the killings is madly in love with her.
Which leads me to the question, does she love him?
Have you changed this from what you originally had? WP
yes. just tyring a different approach.
Sounds like a lot is happening, plus I love futurist movies. Logline took a few reads to fully understand but its pretty clean. Although I’m not fond of the title, I like ‘Civil War Pi’, but not the next bit.
awesome
The hook is a go. The story is a show. It sounds very action oriented and I love action.
This is a futuristic movie, but the logline doesn't show anything futuristic. It's a story been done. When you write a movie based many years into the future the logline needs to show some fantastical elements. See Mad Max or Blade Runner or Running Man to see what I mean. The story idea is good for anything written in present day.
I think that the concept is solid and the logline tells enough for me to want more. Is the script available? Is it online?
Thanks for the stars and comments.
I am polishing some dialogue and should have something avail to read early next week.
Would be very cool to get your feedback.
I will check into making avail online.
You had me until the last line. There should be more of a consequence rather than reward. “while attempting to resist” just sounds like there’s not enough at stake.
what about “fighting to resist her destiny as Emeritus of Global Corp.”
better?
Excellent premise!
but what could i revise to get 4 or 5 stars out of ya!
)
What do you mean “in the future”?
Seriously though, this has wicked potential. I’d lose the word “young” when describing her friend. Its just dead weight in a logline like this. “Attempting to resist the temptation” is an awesome angle to play not only in a film but good on you being able to incorporate into a logline so efficiently. That’s a huge concept and I instantly get where you’re going with it in a fraction of a sentenence.
While this is a great “futuristic” genre, it has elements that transcend that into things we see today as well as all through the histories of every civilization ever studied. Strong universal constructs make a great concept and you’ve leveraged that very well.
You may want to consider changing the vagueness of “stable and comfortable life” to something a little more specific (yet just as lean) like “the stability of the obedient masses” or something along those lines. What you have absolutely works. I just feel there is a little more potential here to really make it pop if you’re able to mine it.
thanks for your vote and comments.
in “a” future. one of many possible realities!
i was actually thinking of “teen soldier” and “young friend” rather than “young” twice.
This is really interesting. I like this a lot. WP
thanks! i’ve had a blast writing this story!