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Rating: 3.7/5 (28 votes cast)

Bouncing

A lazy quitter turns hero as he saves a bunch of loser Bouncers and their two-bit bar from security guard Armageddon.

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  1. TimAucoin says
    May 6, 2013, 2:22 pm
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    “Lazy quitter” is slightly redundant, but the overall premise is solid.

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  2. March 17, 2013, 6:33 am
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    Not bad, I feel the story could be tighter, but nonetheless this is worth the pursuit.

    I would consider making the script PG 13 only because I see more of a young crowd being drawn to this, which in turn should only increase its market.

    Good luck with this!

    Ron

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    jeziers2 says
    February 24, 2013, 3:34 pm

    Very funny. I liked it a lot. good job :)

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  4. February 17, 2013, 12:29 pm
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    This would be pretty funny if it was ever made right.

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    ikadana says
    January 31, 2013, 8:53 pm
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    its OK. i feel like the dialog needs some more polishing. I dont like that the relationship with the girl i feel like iv seen it in many movies.there are funny parts.my fav char is Boris.keep writing!

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    says
    January 31, 2013, 11:35 am
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    I didn’t get it.

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    peterfitz says
    January 31, 2013, 3:27 am
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    I like the cut of this writer’s jib. Champagne comedy. And I bet he’s really handsome – you can just tell.

    Seriously, thank you to every one for a great competition. Particular thanks to every who voted and commented (good and bad) on Bouncing. It all goes to making the script stronger.

    As a comedy writer I have to say I especially enjoyed receiving serious formatting advice from someone with the not so serious user name of Ivor Weiner. I thank you, sir, for bring a smile on my face on the last day of competition with this small but beautiful incongruence.

    Take care all – and good luck to each of the Finalists!!

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    • January 31, 2013, 3:32 am

      Peter best of luck to you. One of the great things is making new friends here and I’m glad this contest made us friends through our passion of writing. Best of luck to you bro!

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    ivorweiner says
    January 30, 2013, 11:09 pm
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    i like the title and the script has some promise but it needs some work. there are a lot of formatting mistakes. the characters were good but i think there were too many. there is way too much australian dialect and it might be hard to reach a larger audience with the aussie dialect.

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    filmnerd74 says
    January 30, 2013, 9:45 pm
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    I enjoyed this script, thanks for the read. I think with further tightening and re-writing, you could have something special here.
    To start, I enjoyed the family of bouncers and the world you created.
    I liked the stylistic elements of cutaways and such, however the random one sentence flashbacks often seem unnecessary and took me out of the story, possibly just from the fact that they are not properly formatted (ie: you don’t even write Flashback…)
    Unfortunately, the first ten pages failed to grab me and seemed to move too slow.
    The opening scene was considerably violent for having been dubbed a comedy/family genre film.
    As a comedy, the script needs to have the reader/audience laughing on every page, or at least in the first ten pages to set the tone. As mentioned, I thought the first sequence moved too slow and didn’t set up the comedic tone.
    Also I’m not sure about putting it in the “family” genre with it’s use of profanity and often violent content. It’s basically R-rated.
    I found description paragraphs too long and descriptive – cut them back or break down to 3-4 lines max. I felt the dialogue is sometimes too explositionary and long as well.
    Anyway, hope this helps and good luck to you!

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    KFitz says
    January 30, 2013, 1:03 am
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    A tenderly written script with lots of funny moments. Wouldn’t hesitate to see the play/movie!

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    schafernd says
    January 27, 2013, 10:46 pm
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    I really enjoyed the dialogue in the script, and found myself laughing out loud on several occasions!

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  12. WalkingZZZ says
    January 27, 2013, 8:07 pm
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    good.

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    Isab says
    January 27, 2013, 2:26 am
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    I found this script very funny and intertaining. It wasnt just about a good guy winning the girl but it was a story about people. Good people with under-developed skills and strengths. The author cleverely gave the script and the characters depth when on page 43 Boris asks “what are we doing here”. After I read the script it left me wondering which character was the real hero and where are they all going from here.

    I think it would make an excellent TV series. The A team in a Cheers setting – I think Sensei would agree.

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  14. Profile photo of danchappy2000
    January 23, 2013, 9:42 pm
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    I actually laughed out loud when reading this script, a thoroughly enjoyable read!

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    Jessrose says
    January 21, 2013, 1:14 am
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    Great script! Really enjoyed the characters and the humour – lots of laugh out loud moments. Would definitely watch the film. Well done.

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    tarrynmc says
    January 20, 2013, 2:33 am
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    Very funny, light hearted script. Loved the bouncer rivalry and the underdog winners. Particularly enjoyed Boris. I’m sure I’d enjoy the movie.

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  17. January 12, 2013, 5:54 am
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    I found this overly talky, with too much overwritten narrative, as if writing a novel, whereas a lot of the specifics are left up to a director in a script. Also, there is too much explanation in the dialogue and I found the story slow-moving. For example, it takes until about page 60 for Mike to start developing his relationship with Lee, and there is mostly glances or conversations with the guys there about her. Also, there is a lack of drama in her quickly breaking up with Boof. I think there is a good basic premise, but then there needs to be more drama or action to make the story interesting. Some of the dialogue is very long, almost like speeches. It’s best to keep dialogue to no more than 4 or 5 lines.

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    Julie-Anne says
    December 26, 2012, 4:16 am
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    An extremely funny read! I can imagine this wouldbe very successful if it was picked up. The characters were really well developed, Boris and Fogerty were particularly funny.

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    nspringer1 says
    December 11, 2012, 4:31 am
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    it was ok. good character development

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    December 10, 2012, 2:14 am
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    very funny. great coming of age

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    ralphi says
    December 8, 2012, 9:52 pm
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    AWESOME !

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    December 2, 2012, 12:46 am
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    pretty good, pretty good

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  23. HeadKase says
    December 2, 2012, 12:24 am
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    This one makes me laugh. I have experienced these exact bouncers while working in the nightlife industry!

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    kervern says
    December 2, 2012, 12:20 am
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    good times.

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  25. November 30, 2012, 4:12 am
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    I would check it out!

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  26. November 29, 2012, 1:17 am
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    A very fun-hearted, good story with some quality characters you can cheer for.

    The only criticisms I have are 2

    1- you have a few grammar mistakes like the last page you write “every one” instead of “everyone.” and…

    2- you write in the present progressive sometimes, scripts are supposed to be in the present. For example, in the first scene you write a character is “pointing” when you should write “he points at her while he shouts.”

    Just remember that 99% of the time if you add an “ing” to a word during the actions/descriptions, it’s most likely incorrect.

    BUT!!! These tiny mistakes do NOT take away from the story as a whole and do NOT make it sink. There is enough here to keep the reader reading and make the story enjoyable. Overall I liked this script very much, and I hope my criticisms are easy to understand and not to be taken harshly. Well done, Peter. Cheers! :)

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    jusork says
    July 28, 2012, 2:14 pm

    P.S. not sure how Snatch is an good film reference. Even the comic style is different I thought. It’s not that much of an issue, but I think there are a lot of other movies you could pair with Revenge of the Nerds.

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      peterfitz says
      July 30, 2012, 4:18 am

      Hi,

      I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to review Bouncing and for your very comprehensive (and very helpful) feedback. First screenplay for me – so thank you for being so polite/encouraging while at the same time being very constructive and clear. Much of your commentary really resonated and it made a lot of sense to me. Cheers again!

      Regards

      Peter

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    jusork says
    July 20, 2012, 5:42 pm
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    Good comedic timing, especially considering it’s still in script form. Simple but informative action. it finds lots of funny but doesn’t over-mine it.

    As for the issues, make sure things are clear. I didn’t understand the colorful mug issue, for example, until it was said that he didn’t want the floral decorative ones. Or describing where Happy is in relation to the patron who backs up into him and breaks his walkie. So just make sure you have all the details.

    Although I like that the first scene seems to come out of nowhwere, it is especially out of place now that I know that it really doesn’t have a particular reason for being there, especially in that point in the timeline. The fact that the same scene comes up again makes it even more unnecessary. There’s no reason to see it so early. A couple scenes didn’t seem to have a point at all. Like I don’t understand the point when Boris trips on a step and hits his head on the lights. On page 57 some confusing stuff goes on. Does he yell ‘you leave me know choice’ as he breaks the door down? And does Pat say ‘screams’ after? Also in order to be clear what happened to him, you should say more than just that he screams.

    Don’t underdescribe the beginning of your scenes. For every scene, we should know where the character is and what he’s doing. never start a scene immediately with dialogue. At least, describe how they entered the new room or building, or who’s doing what at that moment.
    And make sure we know all the information to establish what’s going on. Like the scene when Mike’s talking to his mom, I have no reason to assume she is on the phone.
    But actually, I think sometimes you have more scene headings per scene than you need. You don’t need sub-locations within a larger location that would do just as well. I understand you want to show the scene from within another room or perspective but that’s more direction really and you don’t need to. Just describe it within the same location and if necessary, focus on a particular part of the area. If you don’t want to show someone making a noise or talking, just say the dialogue is off-screen.

    Speaking of off-screen, you need to use O.S. (off-screen) or O.C. (off-camera) when the character is heard but not seen. V.0. is only if it’s an actual voice over talking over the scenes. “unseen” would never be used. Also, officially you should have puncuation in the slugline. Also officially the paraentheticals are supposed to go under the speaking person’s name.

    You don’t have to give ages for every person in the script, you also don’t need to be specific. It’s usually better to just give age ranges that you’d like the character to be. For characters who barely appear, I just say young or old, as needed.

    I think it might benefit to introduce the conflict earlier. You have what he wants to do with his life, but he doesn’t seem to be that concerned. You have Lee, but that conflict doesn’t come up as much. The main conflict is the fate of the bar and I don’t think it was necessary to push Boris’ last ultimatum so far back. First, you didn’t need to take a whole day later. You could’ve even hinted at it as early as his big fuck-up with Pat. He could’ve sensed something fishy and been worried instead of remaining completely confident. Also don’t need to show multiple days between the news and the big day. I’d condense the days down as much as you can for simplicity.

    On page 91, you should make it clear that everyone is depressed because Mike was badly beaten. Until the next page, I had no idea what happened to Mike and if that was actually what was bumming Boris out. That whole scene really is rather repetitive though. It’s essentially the same as the one before, because again it’s mostly their egos that are hurt than about Mike. We didn’t even see them become postitive or work on getting ready. There was no fall, so it’s as if they didn’t even change their outlook.

    I found it unlikely that they’d make Mike the new owner of the bar already. The ending was a little easy I felt. The dealing with the show part went smoothly and it was really Boris’ challenge after that became the big turn around. I felt like, it could’ve been bigger if Boof had actually accomplished messing something up, the bouncers were able to recover and that’s what became the real reason The Boss disposed of Boof. That win, the recover, provides the first blow to the antagnoist first of all but also it just seems stronger than The Boss seemingly suddenly realizing he didn’t like the way Boof did things.

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  29. rickemg says
    May 17, 2012, 1:35 pm
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    I think that Peter has written a good story where you’ll enjoy most of the characters. Of course the lead gets the girl at the end, but it was a ardurous road he traveled to get her. It would make a good movie with maybe someone like Downey Jr. to play the lead, Mike. It’s no “Road House”, but it came into its own quickly, like page page six.

    Well done Peter.

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  30. rffischer says
    May 15, 2012, 4:07 pm
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    Pretty damn funny. This is a good coming of age story and I liked the characters. They developed well over the course of the screenplay and its something I would definitely see in theaters!

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