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Agree with the two comments below me…Don’t see any signs of humor in this..
would be better as a drama, and the log line itself can be better… but a decent start.
Ron
Minus the grammar problems, the script has potential, but as a drama.
Lot of potential but I don’t think this a comedy/family type of genre. Also you can rewrite this and make it a little more clever in my opinion.
I know this is about analyzing whether the logline is well written, but I can’t get past the attempt at marrying genocide with comedy. It’s a non-starter for me.
This isn’t a logline. This is like a scene in a movie.
If it’s funny anything will do, but I’d say pass on this concept.
Edit–
“_Needs_ lots of sweat, blood, mud…”
I’m actually inclined to believe this could work.
Lots of sweat, blood, mud, and beautifully shot sports footage that carefully follows the players, and which tells us something about the emotions and relationships of the players by the way the team works (or doesn’t work) together.
The logline itself could use (IMHO) a pass for typos and grammar, and simpler not to mention the names in this case, i.e.
“After the Tutsi genocide, two kids meet in the same football team–and one player’s father killed the other’s family.”
or even, if it’s appropriate to the story:
“After the Tutsi genocide, two kids meet in the same football team. One player’s father killed the other’s family–but they must set aside their past to save the team.”
I do see some potential here! The language will take work!
The word genocide takes out the comedy aspect for me. The concept is workable, but feel these leans more toward a revenge story.;
It doesn’t seem to have the 8 elements required for a log line.
The story potential could be interesting here as the environment is rich from an artistic standpoint. That said, your logline says nothing, and is poorly written. WP
The story potential is very good. You just need to express it much better so we can see the story and its characters along with their relationships, conflicts ….. etc. A rewrite would be nice after a little more thought into how to present your story.
This could be great, but the logline is so empty. It only hints at things. No comedy here unless you’re an amazing comedy thinker/writer. This sounds dramatic. Please fix this logline and make it shine.
There is sooo much potential in here. Although it seems as though we’ve seen this before (I can’t place the movie right now – but themes are very similar) — I think if you spend a little time working out your language a bit and making it a bit more clear (one sentence without names) – you will have a strong logline.
The storyline is too laid out in the log line. There’s an interesting dynamic with the characters to be played out but the presentation is too blunt to be compelling.
I think this belongs in the drama section, hence my votes -sorry
Odd wording for a logline and it should be in current, not past tense..they MEET, not,They MET
The Tutsi genocide in an African tragedy. Are the children’s names actually Bob and Jack? Two kids meeting is a singular event and does not tell me what the story will inevitably be about. Is it a story of revenge, daily conflict or forgiveness. making amends? I need to know the journey I’m about to take.
You need to erase this and write the same thing with much better grammar and no typos. If you write with such obvious mistakes, no professional reader will even touch the whole screenplay.
This doesn’t sound like a comedy? You might need to reevaluate your subject matter and pick a different genre. Its a good idea but your log line could be a bit longer with more information.
A family here is an intriguing element here, to be sure, but it needs working on.
Sorry, I meant to say, before my computer played up, this sounds a bit heavy for a family comedy. Are you sure the tone is correct?