Bee Gone More Images
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Rating: 3.1/5 (5 votes cast)

Bee Gone

A cowardice teen bee who wishes to live beyond his hive must return to prove his innocence and dethrone the treacherous Queen in order to return Bee Central back to it’s former glory.

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  1. roknsrf says
    March 30, 2015, 4:21 pm
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    First of all, congratulations on making the finals. I thought this was a fun, action packed story that could potentially be a good family film. I liked the characters as they stand, and I thought you had a good story structure. Nevertheless, the other critiques made by the other reviewers of your script are quite valid, and this script will need considerable work in order to get it optioned or made. I can say that ASANTIAGO 1975’s comments about “continued” and page numbers is completely incorrect. All current screenwriting programs place the scene continuation indicators and page numbers in the exact way they appear in your script, so forget that advice. Your font was equally acceptable font, so you can forget that advice as well. However, on page one you have scene numbers which should not appear. Scene numbers are for shooting scripts not spec scripts. In addition, a couple of things not already mentioned by other reviewers: 1) Remove any curse words, they have no place in a family script such as this. 2) You use way too many parentheticals ( ). Most of them are not necessary, and by removing them it will help reduce the length of your script. 3) A cartoon movie should not go beyond 100 pages. Although is was ridiculously harsh grading, I fell, taking JFS15’s advice on reducing description and action lines, and adding meaningful dialogue that creates the subtext currently lacking in your script, you will be able to get this script down to the length it will need to be in order to draw production company attention. Good Luck.

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    • roknsrf says
      March 30, 2015, 4:33 pm

      PS I want to also mention that what JFS15 said about “the fact that the characters are bees has very little to do with the story” is far from true or correct. In my opinion, the way you connect human motivation and emotion to bee and hive behavior is the best part of the whole script. So you can disregard that criticism as well, I think the guy’s was being a bit of a douche.

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    jfs15 says
    March 25, 2015, 1:43 am
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    This script has many problems. The most obvious being that the characters have no life and the reader has no idea what they are like from their dialogue. The descriptions explain who they are and what they want to accomplish and that is not screenwriting. Aside from that the story is derivative and pulls many plot ideas from other scripts and never really pulls them together into anything original or emotional. The characters have very little arc and without true subtext in their lines, they are very hard to connect to. The fact that they are bees has very little bearing on the story and I feel the fact that the script was about bees was irrelevant. There are many misspellings but that is a small problem considering the rest of the basic screenwriting errors. I feel the author means well but really has to find his own original voice. Good dialogue is more about what is not said and the subtext that is meant rather than just explaining everything that is going on and spelling out how the characters feel.

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    • Profile photo of RutgerOosterhoff
      September 25, 2015, 11:08 am

      Hey jfs15,

      With most you say I agree, but you phrase:

      “The descriptions explain who they are and what they want to accomplish and that is not screenwriting.” … Meaning there is only dialog left to ‘build character’; automatically being ‘on the nose’ or ‘talking the plot’. For me humans are defined by their deeds, not by what they say.These ‘deeds’ you show in the action lines!

      But later on you tell us the opposite:

      ‘Good dialogue is more about what is not said and the subtext that is meant rather than just explaining everything that is going on and spelling out how the characters feel.”

      … Yes I agree, but part of this is not always so. Think “Die Hard”. Talking about a good cup of coffee won’t save the day. The two heroes have to come up with a plan to defeat the terrorists. No time to talk about quality beans…. (if it’s not code language.)

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  3. Profile photo of UniverseEyes
    October 13, 2014, 8:44 am
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    I didn’t read the script, just minimizing effects from fake profile(TheBerg) attack …

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  4. Profile photo of TheBerg
    TheBerg says
    October 11, 2014, 3:07 pm
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    Another Bee Story, again. Pass.

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  5. September 10, 2014, 1:49 am
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    Some minor format issues on the 2nd page. Double space after scene dialogue single space after character dialogue. No need to number each scene heading. Make sure your fonts are Courier New 12pt. I’m sure you are using Times New Roman, which is not the standard font for a screenplay. No need to underline scene heading. No need to write “continuous” as an elapse of time when transitioning into a new scene heading. Use proper scene transition directions like CUT TO: DISSOLVE TO: SMASH CUT: QUICK CUT: ON TAKE: before each new scene heading. You also don’t need to write continued when the page ends, that what page numbers and scene transition texts are for. Try placing your page number at the bottom center of the page to avoid writing the word continued. One its distracts from the scene transitions and it not proper format. Some character dialogue are not aligned properly on page 7. Bees are indistinguishable from one another, it is best in my opinion to give each bee a name instead of writing them in numbers. It is also good to give a character description on each of the bees to emphasize on the difference of each character’s personality. If the Bees have dialogue then you must treat them as an individual entity and not a number. Another misaligned dialogue on page 42. You have a great story but consider taking the time to illustrate the story for animation. You can bring out the humor if you created these characters with more personality, fore instance; Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs, they were not called dwarf 1, dwarf 2, dwarf 3…etc. Several misaligned character dialogue appear on pages 73, 74, 92.98,118, 125. I’ll explain this as best as I can, but I noticed that you ended your story at 125pages with 83 total scene headings. This is estimated as 1.5 scenes per 1 page or an average of 60 seconds of dialogue per 1.5 scenes. You might want to compress similar locations into one larger scene before transitioning into the next scene location, perhaps to extend the narrative into 3 minute scenes to encompass the audience attention. Think of the audience confusion with such short scenes and dialogue. Its always been a rule of thumb 120 pages equals 120 minutes or 2hrs of filming. Overall a great story… Good luck.

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    says
    August 13, 2014, 8:18 pm

    hell yeah! sold!

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