Sir Guinevere
Before she was a queen, Guinevere was a bad-ass knight bent on revenge. What she didn’t count on was falling in love. When he...
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The beginning seems to have promise. There was an expectation that the 2 different storylines would come together, and that created a fun sense of anticipation: where will this go and what will happen when the 4 characters collide. But then they collided in a parking lot that is simultaneously in front of a bank and a hospital…?!?! From there, the story became unexplained and unclear. Too many things happen too quickly, and the action is too contrived. The introduction of the sheriff and all of his problems contributed to a sense that the ending was predetermined, rather than deriving from the characters and storyline that was already in place.
I couldn’t get into this.
Didn’t find the humor in it. Overflowing with spelling and grammatical errors to start. The rest has apparently already been said below.
Super amateur in format and believability. Honestly, a hard read, tough to get through.
I thought the concept behind the script was quite novel and definitely set the story up to have some very interesting situations and dialogue! Really enjoyed it.
Thanks for the nice compliments and for reading it!
A lot of people have given this script top marks, I think there are some nice ideas but top marks seems a bit generous. I can’t comment on the technical aspect that Brian the Lion has picked out but I do think there is a bit of work to be done.
Awesome concept for a storyline, Steve. Thoroughly enjoyed the read, keep up the great work!
Good concept for a movie. A few funny parts but a little bit corny. . There are a few grammatical errors that need fixing.
Good luck
I’m beginning to think a lot of people on here are just telling their friends the answers to the “validate your vote” questions and just giving them 4-5 stars without actually reading these screenplays. And if they are reading them, they themselves don’t know how scripts are supposed to be written.
This was a very sloppy screenplay. There were many, many mistakes and improper uses of words, bad grammar, and wrongly written pieces.
In screenplays, you can NEVER, EVER, EVER write “Morning, Noon, Dusk, Dawn, Afternoon etc” in sluglines. You can ONLY ONLY ONLY write Day or Night. It doesn’t matter how late or early in the day it is, only DAY OR NIGHT. This screenplay has “Morning” written in a lot of the sluglines.
For voice overs, you don’t write “(voice over)” under the characters name, you simply write BRUNO (V.O) and then the dialogue beneath. And you never write “End voice over” at the end of it.
For noises and sounds, you NEVER capitalize the word HEAR, you are supposed to capitalize the sound itself, like SIRENS in the distance, or a baby CRIES in a car. We know we are hearing it, we dont need to have the word HEAR in all caps.
The biggest problem this script has is you used WAAAAAAAY TOOOOOO MUUUUCH writing thoughts rather than description. In scripts you can ONLY write what the readers (audience) sees or hears. You cannot write about someones personality. You are supposed to have the reader get the idea for their personality through that characters actions and dialogue. On page 33 you write “Underneath he is insecure” about the cop. How do we know that? If this was something we were watching, how would we know hes insecure when he comes on screen? You write too much like a novel and not like a screenplay.
On page 9 you write that Judy is someone the guys used to know. How does the audience know that? Take that out and simply have them talk about her, but dont write that. Again, you can ONLY write what the audience hears and sees. No thoughts or history unless you write it as exposition.
On page 85 you write that the doctors were tied up and had handkerchiefs in their mouths, but then you give one of them dialogue when he says “Why does this keep happening to us?” How can he talk if he has a handkerchief stuffed in his mouth?
There are A LOT of grammar mistakes in this script. I’ll write down a few examples but there were a lot of them.
On page 9 you misspelled “blonde” and wrote “blond.”
On page 17 you wrote “The cars gone,” when you should have written “The car’s gone.”
On page 3 the actual page # 3 is in the action. It needs to be raised into the corner.
On page 10 You write your character is saying “NOW” but you never, ever, ever capitalize a word with all caps. If you need to stress that someone is putting a lot of emphasis on a word, then you write it normally and underline it, but don’t write it in all caps.
On page 63 you wrote “cloths” instead of “clothes.”
On page 64 you wrote “Geyatine” instead of “Guillotine.”
On page 67 you need to capitalize the L in Loretta. A name is a proper noun and they always have to be capitalized.
On page 74 you write an establishing shot, but its in all lower case. Shots need to always be ALL CAPS.
On page 98 you write “looser cop” but should have written “loser cop.”
On page 9 you write in the dialogue one of your characters says “Where we in love.” The right way to write it is “We were in love.”
A tip about how to write better is remember that you can ONLY write in the PRESENT TENSE, never the PRESENT PROGRESSIVE, so if you ever write a word with ING, 99% of the time its wrong. Instead of writing, “She is knitting,” write “She knits.” Dont write “The policeman is running after the bad guy.” Write “The policeman runs after the bad guy.” Look back at all the words with ING and fix them, you’ll be better off and the script will be much cleaner.
You write a lot of shots in the script. When in a contest or just trying to get your script sold, you should write in MASTER SCREEN FORMAT, which is just the story, what we see and what we hear. In a SHOOTING SCRIPT, you write the shots in. However, shooting scripts are for after the script is sold and re-written, an are usually left up to the DP and Director.
This script is hard to review because the characters are fun and the story isn’t bad, but mistakes and incorrectly written scripts distract readers from the storyline. Re-write this script and polish it up a lot and you will go much farther in contests. I hope the writer doesn’t find me as a mean jerk, I like this script and I just want to see the writer become better. These are just helpful tips and I hope they are regarded and not ignored.
Great job Steve!
Funny story keep up the good work
THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME
Great steve!! You are going to go far if you keep up the good work on the screen plays!
Great steve! I think this is the right kinda screen play I was looking for, your future is bright!!
I Think is hilarious !! And the story is great , Keep the good work !!!
I think this has an interesting premise of throwing these bank robbers together who are like the Marx brothers who go off in a van with a pregnant woman about to go into labor, while her husband and alcoholic cop search for her and the crooked chief is in cahoots with the robbers. However, I found a lot of the dialogue overly expository and unnatural. In some cases you had characters giving speeches, and there was some narration by Bruno early on that seemed out of place. I also think you had too much description in some of the action lines, and you don’t need direction cues like “dissolve to”. You should write this as a reading script, and leave direction to the director. I also found that Bruno seemed to change character — sometimes he seems retarded, sometimes very wise. Also, there’s no sense of fear or tension in some of these scenes where it might be natural, such as when Claire is captured or held prisoner. There are a lot of misspellings. In short, I think you have a good idea here, but it isn’t very well executed.
Okay I know my criticism will be harsh, but I think it needs to be said. There’s a lot to work on here but I think it will help you.
First, you’ve got some very unnecessary overdirecting. For example, you don’t need to say establishing shot as you do at one point. You don’t even need to establish anything because you’re writing not directing. You just go straight to the next scene. Other unnecessary things you add include at one point flat out telling the audience that Judy is a person they know. At another point you say about Mr. Pink that “underneath he is insecure.” How are we supposed to know this in the film? With that in mind, your single voice over at the beginning is pointless. You basically took the easy route and threw a bunch of information
we needed to know into a paragraph. Show what you say through the characters in the story.
While doing that, work on your establishing of character more. Everything that happens can inform the reader about the characters, but not if you don’t write it with that in mind. In what way does mother love her sons? If she’s a hands-off mother, then why is she so controlling of her sons in the scene with Zelda at the door. It’s not seen much elsewhere
plus if she likes Bruno more than Mikey, evidence of which isn’t witnessed much, then why does he think she doesn’t love him? Even if meant as a joke, where is the grounds?
Have a hard time picturing some of the character attitudes. In fact, there is little description of mannerisms or facial expressions to explain moments. Characterize them more and in more significant ways. You put a lot in dialogue. Show the characters more than just in dialogue so
they come across better. I think Mickey and Bruno are hard to differentiate in the beginning and only become clear as they talk to each other.
Sometimes the chacters seem too stupid and especially not in a way that contributes to the story. Bruno often has simple moments of stupid confusion and it just goes nowhere.
I think you want to make the story zany and silly, but I’m not getting that impression strong enough in the action descriptions I think. I think there’s a way to better establish the tone through the action. Without making their characterization clear, they feel like children’s cartoon characters or as if it’s one of those horriblly silly kids movies. I feel like one of them is going to get kicked in the balls any minute and we’re supposed to laugh at it.
Try using your scenes better. There are a number of frankly useless scenes. For example you start off with a scene of a man packing, nothing special. it might be funnier to start out right away with crazy franticness, then we won’t find it so out of place to suddenly see him go crazy. Unless you want to juxtapose the frantic earl with a calm earl. If so, you need to detail that more.
For other scenes, they could just use some more heft to it. Sometimes you have just the most basic ingredients for the scene, yet you could add more. There’s even a scene where we first meet mother with the postal worker that I don’t understand the point of at all. Nothing happens. It’s just a set-up for when it happens again later. Don’t have
scenes like that; make all your scenes count. Like Bruno in the sex shop is completely disorienting. Based on the context, I figured he suddenly stopped by a sex shop in the middle of hiding out. I’m sure there’s a better way to give that information, but it’s really not even relevant except to introduce a character that also doesn’t provide much relevance.
I see no indication to show he needs to get a girlfriend. And you just go with it as if it’s a completely unrelated story. What’s the double date in the middle of the story for? Both girlfriends are pointless really, but especially Bruno’s because she’s not introduced in any way related to the story, not to mention there’s that whole subplot about Judy being his ex that ends up having no purpose. Why bring it in if you bring in Zelda anyway?
Also try thinking of creative ways to do what you need them to do. You have them traveling by foot for awhile and I’m not sure why. If you need them to get rid of the car, have them find a nearly broken down scooter in the junkyard that they take home and ride around or something. Be creative.
I think you need to focus your story more on the kidnapping of a pregnant woman hook. Because at this point you could take it out and essentially have the same story: trying to throw the cops off for some reason after escaping a robbery. I think you need to find a way to make it so they can’t let her go. You haven’t given a reason not to at all actually, and the chief even suggests it yet they never do. I think this would make a great source for their conflict. It could be a great situation and it’s more unique than having them trying to divert the investigators by being idiots. Get more comedy out of this silly situation instead of pointlessly silly characters. You could have more immediate comedy by having to constantly
avoid the investigators while they try to get out of town with the pregnant woman who is threatening to turn them in since she knows where they live. But you don’t do that and don’t
say anything about what they’re going to do, so what’s the plan with the pregnant woman anyway? They just keep her hiding for most of the second act and we have no idea what the chief is going to do if anything. I don’t see him doing anything except trying to make Pink look like a drunk without any payoff in the storyline.
Finally, there are a lot of major writing mistakes that have no reason being there. Will be seen as very unprofessional by producers. Not the least of which is ‘their’ not ‘there,’ and ‘we’re’ not ‘where.’ I think you actually used there, their and they’re each in place of each other. There’s also a point where Mikey and Claire start referring to each other by name without saying their names. Stuff like that watch out for.
To give some positive feedback, the parody scene in the operating room was well-done and original. Although I’ve seen situations like that in stories before, not like
that. And I think it worked because it didn’t have any stupid dialogue thrown in. Keep that in mind; sometimes less is more.
Thanks for the read and good luck on rewriting.
Finally, someone who actually READ the script.
I thoroughly enjoyed this screenplay from beginning to end. It reminded me of the Broken Lizard comedies: “Super Troopers, Club Dread”. I give it two thumbs up, way up!
When I read this script; it reminded me of Home Alone a bit. I thank-you for this screenplay because we need a little lighthearted humor in our world, there is far to much seriousness going on! I can’t wait to laugh when it comes out on the big screen. Many blessings and wishes for your script. And thanks again for letting me review it.