A Warrior’s Odyssey
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A Warrior’s Odyssey

Fiona Fick, P.I, ex-marine and homicide detective is a walking trouble magnet either it finds her or she finds it.    .

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  1. Brian@TE says
    April 7, 2013, 10:20 pm
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    I hate to be cruel but this screenplau needs lots of work. Even as a novel. Fiona is too perfect. So perfect she is a flat character. She has no goal that goes from page one to the end. She makes no mistakes and doesn’t seem to struggle with anything. She would be more compelling if she made mistakes, learned something along the way. Same with the other characters. There are many structure and technical issues as well. The hardest part of writting a script is completing it. So you got that going for you. I would suggest first cleaing up the technical stuff, that’l clean it up and give you a clearer path to developing your story into something great.

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  2. April 2, 2013, 11:40 am
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    Fiona is without a doubt a bad ass, bi-sexual killing machine. She’s GI Jane on steroids!

    This is great about her, along with her charismatic nature.

    However, I don’t know if this is due to your laziness as a writer or just lack of knowledge of screenwriting, but the story ultimately suffers because of technical issues.

    Narratives are supposed to only deal with what you see on the screen. However you’re narratives read more like a narrator V.O. or a narrator at a theatrical play.

    For ex:

    And so Bob went to the store, bought some candy. He and the cashier talked briefly about Snickers.

    NO! Just show us.

    INT. STORE – DAY

    Bob walks down the candy aisle and grabs a snickers. He walks up to the cashier.

    CASHIER
    (to Bob)
    Hey Bob, buying another snickers?

    FADE OUT

    See, this is more engaging as opposed to just telling us what is happening. Show us what is going on.

    And there are quite a bit of other issues as well, but this is the main issue to tackle in my opinion, the others will come along as you rewrite.

    Ron

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    • Profile photo of johnnymiller
      April 3, 2013, 6:06 pm

      Thanks for the info and it is the latter. I am not a screenwriter by any means and actually far from being one. I need to know which narratives you are getting at for me to understand what you are taking about. Give me an example. That would be helpful.

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      • April 8, 2013, 10:02 am

        The women talk about their lives. SKYE BECKER, late
        twenties, good looking, married, also enjoys the occasional woman.

        This is on page 1 and this kind of narrative is throughout the entire story.

        You’re “telling” us that these women are talking about their lives. You need to “show” us.

        Instead it should rather read something like this.

        INT. COFFEE SHOP – DAY

        Woman 1 and Woman 2 sit a table.

        WOMAN 1
        (to Woman 2)
        My life is such a drag. I hate it.
        I need to lose weight so I can
        get hit on by guys.

        WOMAN 2
        Tell me about it. Same here, but
        I can’t stop eating ice cream. But
        I’m tired of being fat. Everybody calls
        me a fat ass.

        Woman 1 and Woman 2 both shake their heads.

        SKYE BECKER, late twenties, good looking, sits at a table across from these two women. Skye tries to keep her eyes off of them, as she snickers to herself.

        FADE OUT

        “Show” these two women talking about their lives. “Show” Skye enjoying their conversation.

        It’s more powerful by doing this. If we need to be told something, it should be through dialogue, and even that has its own rules.

        Movies are either “pictures” we see on the screen or “dialogue” we hear. Narratives are “pictures” So only write what we see 99% of the time.

        To do anything else is cheating yourself as a writer and us as an audience.

        There’s tons of info on this kind of stuff on the internet my friend or library that you can get for free. This is just technical stuff that any one can and must learn if they wish to write effective screenplays. Then, the creativity and other stuff come in handy.

        Hopefully this helped a little bit

        Ron

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