A Lenni Guy More Images
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Rating: 2.1/5 (1 vote cast)

A Lenni Guy

Tom survives an attempted abortion, life in poor Lenni, fun and games in Vietnam, and scuba-less underwater swimming in Hawaii. Now, at twenty-two, it’s his time to relax. Or maybe not quite yet!

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  1. Profile photo of perloff
    perloff says
    June 28, 2012, 6:55 pm
    Overall
    Concept
    Story Structure
    Character
    Dialogue
    Grammar
    Budget (1-Low / 5-High)

    There were some impressive moments in this script but overall it is just too haphazard and confusing to work. The events of Tom’s life are thrown together without any apparent meaning behind them. I think the story needs a throughline. Just focus on the war. Just focus on Lenni. Pick one story to tell and tell it as best as you can. Which leads me to my next question…

    What is this story about? I like to think of stories as equipment for living. So what is this story about? What are you trying to say? Why will I see life differently after I’ve finished the script?

    The script is full of authentic and ironic moments . These were great but I need more than that. I need great characters too. This story has SO MUCH POTENTIAL but you need to create a structure, a character arc for Tom that ends with a transformation of some kind. What does he want out of his life? What are the obstacles he faces to get there? Obviously, he doesn’t want to get killed in Vietnam. I understand this. But it’s your responsibility as the writer to dig deeper than that. Tom and Al need to be more dimensional. Stories are about character revelation. My favorite part of the script was when Tom told Al he was going to sacrifice his life so Al could go back to his wife and family. Shit hit the fan. Tom was forced to reveal his true nature: He’s selfless, a good friend. More of that please. These character revelatory (is that a word?) moments. With every character.

    Don’t use flashbacks. They kill momentum. They brand you as an amateur. People who read your script won’t give you the benefit of the doubt when they evaluate the later choices you make. Figure out a way to include whatever information you need to – backstory, exposition, character bio, – into the present story. It’s harder to do it this way. But it’s worth it because it results in a tighter script.

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  2. Profile photo of tonyr
    tonyr says
    May 31, 2012, 12:01 pm

    This logline confuses me.

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